Friday, October 2, 2009


Life. Random. I don't like how it feels when you know exactly what you mean to say but can't say it in a way that other people can understand you. I don't like how people can treat each other so badly. I don't like the way my brain works sometimes. Things seem to happen really fast, I don't know.

I'm so very happy. I'm happy about life, about everything, just everything seems so good. I'm glad to be alive. I want to help people, especially my friends and family. I want to do something... I'm just not sure what it is yet... and sometimes it drives me insane but I'm perfectly content with how things are. I'm going with the flow, doing what I need to do.

I'm conflicted. On the one hand I want to say "fuck you" but on the other I want to thank you for how much you've helped me, you've really helped me.

Ahhh school...

So they put me in 12th grade AP classes this year. The people are SOOO much bigger then me, and they're like adults, just a little more immature. At first it sucked because they treated me like a freak because I'm only in 10th grade and I got better grades then them without trying, but now I'm friends with a lot of them.

Lol my teacher is pissed at me. He doesn't want me to sleep in his class. But I have a 100% in his class I've litterally have gotten a 100% on everything he's given me since the beginning of the school year, so why should I stay awake?

I don't want people to think I'm smart. I always hide my grades and crumple up returned work and pretend I did badly. Being smart is not a good thing. I wish I didn't think so fast all the time, I just want things to slow down. That's one of teh reasons I did/do random drugs. Just to have things slow, to not think. I don't know...

That's not right is it? Is it bad that I don't really care? Why do I ask so many questions? Is it bad to ask questions? How should I know? What should I know? Should I know what other people know? Is ignorance bliss? What about happiness? Should you put happiness above the truth? Would you rather know the truth or be happy? Can you have both? Is it wrong to want both? What is wrong? What is right? Ethically, morally, realistically, ideally? What's the definition of right and wrong? Should I know? Does anybody else know? What is it? Is it wrong to want to know? To be consumed and burdened by these questions you can never answer, how does that feel? Tormented until you wish you were dead... I don't know. I don't want to think.

But contrary to popular belief I am doing fine. I just need to relax and not think. Nobody at school thinks about this stuff... Why the heel do I? What do they think about instead?

Monday, July 20, 2009


wow... lol

Yeah... Idk...

Okay so it's been 3 weeks and I have to go back to the doctors and probably go to a specialist. :[

but whatever things have been cool. I have a job and I actually have money to spend now. I don't know what I'm going to do with my money. I might save it up of spend it on my family and friends. I don't like spending momey on myself.

Ahhh i have to go... late fo rmy job

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Ahhh Im sickk!?!?!

This is why I don't like going to doctors, they tell you somethings wrong.

Ignorance is bliss I guess...

Well I knew SOMETHING was wrong I just didn't know what, so now I do... kinda.

Apparently I have Costochondritis.

So yeah the cartilage in my rib cage is inflamed :/ it's been like this for about three weeks.

And the doctor says I have something else too, he thinks it's rheumatoid arthritis. Ahh...

Isn't arthritis for old people? Come on when I think of arthritis I think of crippled old people not some 15 year old kid.

But it would make sense, and it does run in my family. lol we call it "Jarhling joints"

haha... it's weird because it's been bothering for like three years but I just got used to it. Until the pain became worse. I remember always telling my mom I feel old and in pain after playing with other kids...

I was wondering why I'm the only one in pain after I play games... nobody else is hurt and I just did what other kids do.

Ha I'm not crazy, yay!

The doctor took 5 vials of blood and is running different tests. The results should be done by monday. He wants to rule out some other diseases.

I'm supposed to go back to the doctors in 3 weeks if the pain still persists. And he's telling me to take so much medicine.

Friday, May 15, 2009

FIX ME!?!?!

Something Ive figured out.

Something that is considered culturally unacceptable is considered abnormal. What's considered abnormal is considered wrong and needs to be corrected and fixed.

I hate it when people force their beliefs down my throat, and they can get away with it because they are in a position of power over me. I dont think thats right. Thats mostly why I hate authority figures.


But Im glad ya people commented on my other post! Finally some other people who think like me. Its sorta a relief to realize Im not a complete freak. But the pessimist in my says "well maybe youre all just freaks" I dont know. It's just nice to know theres someone else out there whos kind like you and understands the way you think. : ]


Ive had two good days in a row. :]

Why do people like me, arent they sick of me yet. Well I thought they were but I guess not. Since Im single now a lot of guys have been trying to get to know me, it's weird. Three asked for my phone number. Theres like 2 I really like as friends, and I have so much fun hanging out with at school.

Do I see things in a weird way? I have NEVER met someone else who "sees things" like me. Not like hullicinations. It's like seeing without seeing. You see through your eyes and you see whats in front of you and in your periphrial vision. But I see myself, I do see with my eyes like other people but I also see things without my eyes. And I know I sound crazy, no one gets what Im trying to say. Its like Im watching a movie of my life. I see whats in a room from a point in the room and it would be like looking through another pair of eyes seeing at that point of the room, so I see myself and I also see things from different angles.

So I see the normal way and that way at the same time, but I see the other way in the back of my mind, its really hard to explain

it would be like me looking at a room from a "point" and seeing the normal way through my eyes, so I would see whats in the room including myself. While I see the room (and myself) that way I also see whats directly in front of me and to the sides just by looking through my eyes.

I see two different versions of the same thing at the same time, but I "see" them in my brain.

Wow. Like I said its hard to explain.. :/

I finally getting used to pretending I dont exist and it's making school SO MUCH more bearable. I spend most of the time thinking about how to not draw any attention to myself. I think I finally know how to get the kids to leave me alone for the most part.

-dont look at them, unless theyre talking to me. (otherwise they say "what the hell are you looking at?")
-pretend to be asleep on the bus so they dont talk to me
-dont make eye contact. So I always find a reason to keep my head down, even when Im walking
- dont talk, talking draws attention to myself
- I read and they usually leave me alone, but it doesnt always work
- Even though it doesn't take a long time to finish my work I intentionally take a long time so I dont draw attention to myself.
- Sit quietly at my seat, dont get up
- When I do talk I try not to use the words I usually do because they don't understand me because I use words they dont know and it just is too much attention
- always be polite and nice to everyone, even if I dont like them
- go out of my way to help people
- try not to do ANYTHING that might upset someone, I think about everything I do and what could potentionally happen

There's a lot more but I cant think of them : /

Oh guess what? Im going to write a book. Yep I have a lot of ideas for different books. I'm just not very good when it comes to writing down what Im thinking, it just sounds so much better in my head i guess?

some ideas:

-girl desperately crying out for help, she wants to kill herself. NO one believes her, and she does kill herself, and its about how her friend deals with everything.

- A girl who is considered a genius by some and crazy by others, mostly about different perspectives. Shows how ignorant people can be.

- kid with a bad home life and how they deal with it (bad parents, abuse, trauma)

- about a kid who feels their whole life is being controlled and its driving them crazy so they go to extremes just to feel like they have some control over their life

- shows how messed up society can be and how people can force their beliefs on other people. People controlling other people/abusing power.

yeah I dont know I felt liek blogging so much more, but now my head hurts and its one in teh morning. Im going to sleep. : ]

Saturday, May 9, 2009

There's so much bottled up inside,and it's been shaken up

That song rings true. I used to take pills just so my mind would slow down. I just wanted to stop thinking about everything so much. I always think too much.

So IM a genius? Yeah fucking right. Why would you say that, Im not even that smart. You think that's the reason "I'm so different from society." No Im different because Im a freak, it's as simple as that. I just think too much and analyze everything, but that doesn't mean anything. It's hard to explain the way I think, every time I do I come off as crazy. I just wish I could meet somebody who thinks like me.

Like I saw a commercial on tv that said something "quaker" which reminded me of the quakers who settled america, and than quaker oats. Which reminded me off ducks because they quack (spelled closely to quaker). Then I thought of the time I was six and called a doctor a "quack", which got me thinking about doctors and how much I hate them. Then I thought of counselers because I hate them too, then I thought of my school counseler, and it just kept going on and on like that. My brain just automatically makes connections without me trying to make connections it just happens and it all happens so fast I literally thought of all that stuff simultaniously in a matter of seconds each. But it doesnt make sense to other people, maybe Im not good at explaining it. : [

I hate talking to people for extended periods of times when Im freely speaking my mind, because EVERY TIME I do they say "you have an interesting perspectve on things" "you're a very deep kid" "youre smart" "you are smarter than everyone else in the room" Now honestly why the hell would they say that? To mess with me?

It's just because I read a lot and mostly I read about philosophy, human nature, history, or science/ physics, and shakespeare. I like reading, I dont like admitting that because then I sound like a nerd. It's "not cool to read" Every day I read different book. I start a new one in the morning and go to school and read it when Im done my work so I dont become bored and get into trouble. Then I go home and read for a little. Then I go hang with friends and stuff and when I go home I just go back to reading until I go to sleep, by the time I actually go to sleep Ive finished my book. And by the way I talk, apparently I use "big words". And I when thinking about a topic I'll "see things that other people havent considered"

I dont know. Everyone in my family is really smart/gifted in some way, and Ive always wanted to be like them.

My math teacher is all surprised because Im a 9th grader taking geometry when everyone else in the class is in 10th or 11th. and I was supposed to take geometry in 8th. I feel sorry for the kids who want to learn something but cant get it. Honestly I dont know what it feels like for that to happen, I cant relate. For me to learn things in math all I need is to have someone show me and tell me how to do it correctly, and I'll just see how they do it and Im able to figure it out and do it easily. My teacher says I should do some job involving math because "you have a strong understanding of the basics and are able to grasp the new material easily" while there are other kids who try their hardest to do it but just cant.

Okay not to sound conceded or anything because I dont think im some genius kid, or even gifted. But I also dont think Im stupid, I do think I have an advantage though because I can understand new concepts easily, without much work on my part, it just comes easily. I just dont want to be like the rest of my family when they think that theyre so much smarter than everyone else.

My brother says "stupid people need to be shot, and that's why I'm not allowed to own a gun"

I wish I was more normal, I want to be able to function in society.

silverstein- my disaster

You medicate
So you can fall asleep
Your mind just won't shut down

I wonder where you are
I wonder if you found your other self
Or are you still somebody else
There's so much bottled up inside
And if it's shaken up it's going to explode
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it

You say you're done
You swear you've gave it up
Running in circles, you don't even care that you're going nowhere
You hate yourself

I still wonder where you are
I wonder if the thorn still in your side
Or did you pull it out in time
And now it starts to overflow
And spill its guts and ruin someones soul
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Life. Wow.

So Im not going out with kenny anymore. He thought it would be a good idea to go out with his ex girlfriend while he was still dating me (and his ex has a boyfriend already). So yeah he asked me if we could all go out together. I dont know if he means I date her and him or if we both date him. Either way... FUCK THAT

Everyone thinks that Im so broken up about kenny. But Im really not, and I feel bad that I dont feel bad. It was like I didnt care, I was unaffected. It was even kind of a relief to not date anymore. Its like I can finally breathe again, and I feel horrible saying that. He was so paranoid always asking where I was who I was with what I was doing. He controlled me and told me what to do. He always wanted me to prove to him how much I loved him. And he kept pressuring me to do things I didnt want to do. I even tried explaining to him why I didnt want to do it but its like he didnt care.

So yeah...

Even though Ive been so stressed out lately I havent cut or overdosed at all. Im not saying that I havent thought about doing those things... just like I think about suicide. But not as something that Im ACTUALLY going to do. Its not that Im scared of dying. Its that I KNOW it will solve nothing. It will only hurt teh ones I love and who love me. That and I know Im only really depressed because of the school Im going to. But its ok because I get to go back to my old school next year. It just sucks that I had to waste so much of my life going to a school I "needed" but really only made things worse.

I havent gotten in any trouble at school and even made the honor roll. : ]

But now the teachers at school think Im suicidal because I was writing down song lyrics on my point sheet. (I had this one song stuck in my head and I was trying to remember the lyrics) (point sheets are a piece of paper the I5 carries around with them and the teachers give them points based on their behavior and participation.) (I5 is the program Im in, we dont have any mainstream classes and we get supervised the most)

Adam is still in basic training. Ive been writing him, and hes been writing back. Im so happy when I get a letter from him. I hope hes happy when he gets my letter. Of course I only tell him the good things going on in my life (i dont want to write anything to upset or worry him) But its nice focusing on whats going right with your life instead of whats going wrong.

Any way the song I wrote on my point sheet was silverstein- smashed into pieces. (my FAVORITE song right now)

Never Again.
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead
you'll realize what you did to me.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline!!
So Don't save me when you come into the fire.
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear
You made me swear
I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.
Smash my heart (you made me swear)
into dust (you made me swear)
Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)
Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)
Smash apart what you created.
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?
It was It was yours, yours to begin with.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

dont waste youre whole life trying to get back what was taken away

The offspring- Kristy are you doing okay

Its happened again. And I cant help but think, why me? But I know thats a useless thought. Well I know Im going to have to tell somebody eventually what happened this weekend. Basically this one boy (who I dont know) was following me in the woods. And he wouldnt leave me a alone. It was starting to scare me. He came up from behind me and grabbed me while he was rubbing up against me. He kept telling me that I was sexy and that he wanted to hug me and kiss me. Im so embarrassed and I feel stupid to admit that when he asked to kiss me I said okay (just so he could go away) he said all the wanted was a kiss then he would leave. But he wanted more than a kiss, and I know that now. When he kissed his tongue came into my mouth and I freaked out. I started walking away really fast but he stopped me and showed me his dick...

And now thats its over I cant help but cry and think about what happened last time. When I was walking home, I thought about jumping in front of a speeding car on the highway by my house. I just dont need this shit right now. How much can I take before I break?

There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did

Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
But for you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
Cause we were so young

Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ima blog more : ]

yeah I know right?

anyway school has been... interesting. I havent been getting into anymore trouble lately. Ive finally simplified things. Instead of thinking about whats "right" culturally, ethically, personally, and what not, Im just going to do what I think is right. I had a problem with doing that before because i always thought "who am I to decide whats right?" I know some people dont know whats right (or dont care?) like psycopaths, and I was always afraid I would be one of those kind of people...

Most of the kids in the program at my school dont have good home lives, and its one of the reasons they are the way they are. Like this one kid, his parents both got fired from their jobs and theyre getting kicked out of their house, and hes not going to be able to go to school anymore. Hes also the kid who punched a hole in one of the walls at school and almost hit somebody in the head with a chair at school. I hope everything turns out okay with him. Other kids get abused by their parents... its just messed up. I wish I could do something, I should be able to do something. Its not right.

Well things are also going to be bad around here for a few days. Well Im going to be in a bad situation, but Im going to try and make the best of it. Things are what you make them, it doesnt have to be bad, right? Anyway so my moms going to be working for the next week, double shifts. So Im literally not going to see her for the next week. And shes freaking out because she didnt make a lot of money and her next paycheck wont be a lot. So we dont have a lot of money. Bills are going unpaid, and turn off notices have been sent. We're running out of food, but we'll make do, we always do, we've been through worse.

Sometimes i get really depressed. I go to school and get made fun of and whatever, dont learn anything, and come home to my mom and step dad arguing about money and talking about "what are we going to do?"

Ohh and the next time you think about being mean to somebody, please dont. First off its wrong, but you also dont know what theyre going through... Everybody has their own problems, and their own battles that they are fighting. Some people, its obvious that they are struggling with it, other people are better with hiding it. I happen to be one of the latter, turned into one of the former, all you have to do is check my wrists.

Well yeah i forgot where i was going with this, but I hope you have a good day anyway.

"So I guess that I will get another head and then get on with my life...You want to know who I really am? Yeah so do I, yeah so do I." xD

I'll think of a good song and post it later, Im so tired lol

Friday, March 27, 2009

Im alive

lol yeah awesome way to start a post right?

I know I havent posted for a long time now... there's a reason, Im just not ready to tell anybody what it is yet, so sorry about that :[

Let's see so much has happened, good and bad.

I started my new school. I met a few people that I like hanging around with. Ive also met a lot of people that are just jerks. I hate school because of the kids that go there. Its like if you dont like me, fine I dont care, but then leave me alone. You dont have to tell me everyday how much you dont like me.

Everyday for the past two weeks Ive gotten phone calls home from school about something or another.

Ive gotten searched three times now, and the first time they found, "a lighter, matches, snorting straw, and a white powder". The other times I had nothing. Wow I got in a lot of trouble for that.

I also got suspended last week. It was for something stupid, nothing too bad. I was "out of area wondering"- bullshit. I admit I was not where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be in some advisory /study hall class thing but I had a passing grade so I didnt really have to be there. So instead I was allowed to go to the auditorium, cafeteria, or hang out in a teachers classroom. But Instead I walked off with a friend and went to the second floor. (The second floor is where the "stash" is. Its where the druggies/ drug dealers hide their stuff in school. I wasnt up there for that, really) So i argued that I wasnt wandering because wandering is walking around aimlessly with no predetermined destination. I knew where I was going. They kept saying I was in trouble for wandering. So I just kept pointing out that I was in trouble for not being where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there. But whatever.

The people at my school know I cut. Ive got tons of scars and cuts running up and down my arms. And they make fun of me for it. Which I just dont get. Like if I saw a person who had as many cuts as I do I wouldnt make fun of them for it. What would that do? It couldnt make things any better. Basically they say "go cut yourself". Thats like telling a suicidal person to "go kill yourself". Speaking of which I actually havent been suicidal in forever, but this school is killing me. The kids call me names (which I can take), but now theyve started throwing stuff at me, taking my stuff, destroying my stuff, and tell me they are going to beat me up and take my stuff. And today when they were throwing stuff at me and messing with me they said Im going to just go home and cry and kill myself. And when they said that it made me smile. I had been thinking about killing myself all day and for somebody to say that I just made me make up my mind and decide to do it. And I thought about killing myself sunday night and asking my parents to explain to the school that the kids pushed me over the edge. I hoped that it would make them realize that they shouldnt have done that stuff. But I know I cant kill myself. I have to keep on living. This fucking sucks but I cant do that to my family. I dont know how Im going to survive this one.

But there is good news. I have a boyfriend. His name is Kenny. He's really nice, he's different from most of the guys Im into. But maybe that's a good thing.

The people that keep me going to school:

Mr. Collins
Mrs. Taylor
My mom

Otherwise I wouldnt be going.

Oh yeah Adam's off at basic training for the army. I miss him. But its what he wants :]

All in all life is... its... I dont know life... I guess. Its just me surviving, and living.

every day I wander in negative disposition,
as I'm bombarded by superlatives,
realizing very well that I am not alone,
introverted i look to tomorrow for salvation,
but I'm thinking altruistically,
and a wave of overwhelming doubt
turns me to stone

Bad religion- struck a nerve :]

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Save your sympathy, who do you think you're fooling?

Everything is dead.

Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
We are giving up
We are moving on

So yeah that's the song stuck in my head right now : ]

Ohhh yeah I got in trouble at school today and they called my parents : /

Something about not showing up to any of my classes. Which is a LIE. I did show up. Just not on time, but I did eventually show up. And for walking out of the class when my teacher said not to. And walking away when administrators are talking to me. They basically said, "stay here and wait for me" and I said, "okay" and then I walked away.

lostprophets- a town called hypocrisy

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Lack of restraint is a complaint of those around me

Guess where that's from. Dont worry if you dont know it.

This is basically an update post of all the things I forgot to remember.

Sean moved back in with his mom. Dont worry hes always going to be family. Adam (oldest brother) is coming back from florida in two days and then is going to basic training. Diego (twin brother) got caught ditching school and skipping classes, and he failed english. Tino is going to a chorus camp for talented singers from our county, so hes happy. Um what else...?

ahhh big news. Im starting school tomorrow. But Im going to talk about that tomorrow...

"Lack of restraint is a complaint of those around me" I need better self control and maybe I wont make so many enemies (or at least think before I do things). So theres this one old guy who walks his poodle around. I dont know his name. He doesnt like me, something about breaking a fence. Which I actually didnt do. I did not break the fence. So anyway I was trying to be nice to him and I said, "Hi poodle guy!" and he stopped and looked at me and shook his head no. Then I was like shit... did I really just say that?
So yeah I didnt manage to make him dislike me any less : /

The moral of the story: Think BEFORE you speak.

The titles from bad religion- cant stop it

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Damnit Ive changed again

(simple decisions)

So I have to make some decisions... its about some things Ive been thinking of for a long time now but havent really done anything about. I just really need to buckle down and think about it. And I would but everytime I try it just makes me want to go snort something. So Im taking my uncles advice and Im trying to simplify my choices. So yeah thats what Im doing now, and im going to put it down here because I need to think it out and if I dont do it now I never will.


I could go to school or drop out. With this one Im leaning more towards dropping out.
I could kill myself or live. I thought I had this one figured out but today Im feeling suicidal, not seriously considering it though. Ive decided Im going to live.
I could do the right thing or the wrong thing. The only problem is that I want to do some things but theyre "wrong" or "bad". But I also want to be the kind of person who does the right thing.
I could confront my problems or not. Most people know I do everything except for confronting my problems. Its not even that I do nothing about it, I just do nothing productive. But I want to be the kind of person that faces a problem head on.
I could give my new school a chance or not. I really dont want to, and I hate that I even have to go there, but I have to go there. Theres nothing I can do about it so I might as well make the best out of it...
I could fail my grade or not. Im thinking about failing my grade so I can start over next year.
I could accept god, and try to be religious or not
I could give my counselor a chance and try talking things out with him. He just pisses me off, everytime I see him I punch walls afterwards. He thinks he knows me, he doesnt. He said, "Its okay to feel scared". Well guess what Im not fucking scared. Ive almost died (thats when I was scared), compared to that starting a new school is nothing. I could care less if the kids like me Ive already got friends.
I could give up or try.
I could prove them wrong or not. Every cop Ive ever met and most of my neighbors have actually told me Id end up in jail. My teachers think Im going to drop out. So I could prove them wrong and make something of my life or I could just throw it away. Thats the one thats really bothering me.

I hate making decisions, especially when theyre very important. But Im just going to have to decide what Im going to do and stick with it I guess.

Some of the best advice Ive gotten, "stop pussyfooting around and chose, then stick with it"

Now I don't see
Things The way I did before
(Can't stand to feel this way)
Things i feel yesterday
Don't matter anymore
It doesn't make any sense
to feel so different day to day
(Can't stand to feel this way)
When nothing's changed except for me

Now I don't see

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I feel like shit but at least I feel something

haha titles from in flames- disconnected

Ive been trying something new. And no Im not talking about drugs or anything lol... Im trying to do the right thing. Im making a concious effort to do the right thing. Im actually starting to think before I do things. And I decide if what I was about to do was the right thing or not. And if its not I actually DONT do it. Like I told my mom I would be outside. She said, "stay in the area and no woods" so I say ok. Then I leave and what do I do? I go into the woods. So Im walking through the path in the woods and I start to think "wow did I do the right thing? I said I wouldnt be in here..." and then I thought about it and figured out I didnt do the right thing, so I turned around and left the woods. That is a hell of an improvement. Sometimes like the woods thing I forget about doing the right thing, but im getting better at remembering.

On saturday my mom had college classes at 9 am and then after that she had to go to work until 2:30 am the next day. So she was freaking busy. And she also had an errand to do so I said I would do it. I thought it was the right thing to do. So me and my brother run the errand which was delivering flowers to people who lived about half a mile away. So me and my brother walk there and give them the flowers, and then we walk to the park which is two miles away from there. We were at the park and met a drunk homeless person, who was very ummm obscene lol. So we left and then went to our school track which was two miles away from there. When we got there we just played with a football and ran around the track. And we got tired so we started walking home (2 miles away). So were walking down the street and a cop car goes by and he knows us (me and my brother have ran from him before) and I wave to him and he looks at me and shakes his head no. And it pissed me off i was like seriously next time im going to flip you off, thats why i run from you youre not a nice person. But I was happy soon after because I waved at some random car and the guy puts his hand like a gun and shots me. So i laughed. Anyway we ended up walking/running 8-10 miles. And I got home and took a shower and then went to the movies with my brother and some friends. I got really hyped up on sugar and we had mall security following us. Freaking stalkers lol... So saturday was amazing but I think Im sick today and physically tired.I havent done anything active like that in a long time my bodys not used to it. So my body hurts but Im not complaining because I would rather feel pain than not feel anything lol know taht reminds me of teh song pain- three days grace. I havent cut or overdosed at all this weekend so Im happy. :]

you make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Florida, Italy and im moving... wtf?

So I have no idea what the hells going on anymore. Apparently im moving, sometime in the next half year or so. Not moving out of maryland which sucks, i really hate this state, but whatever. And for spring break im going to go to florida to visit my aunt and uncle and baby cousins. And then my uncle also wants to take me to italy apparently. See and I had no idea any of this was going to happen, but i found out about them all very recently. If Im not able to get my life together Im going to see if I can go live with my family in florida, and just start all over. I dont know what Im going to do.

Yesterday I crushed up pills and snorted them. Fucking big mistake. Wow... my nose burned and I got a huge headache and I felt like I was going to pass out. Usually I would do it again but you know what... this time im not going to. Ive gotten good advice from my uncle and Im going to take it. Or at least try my fucking hardest to. Im done with this shit. And chances are youve heard me say that before... but this time things are going to be different. Yeah I know theres no reason to believe me this time. But Im going to do it. Im not going to stop cutting. Or at least not yet anyway. Just some of the choices I make are bad choices, and I KNOW they are bad choices when Im making them but I still do it anyway. But now Im just going to stop. Just STOP doing bad things. How hard can it be...?

Well Im about to find out. I thought I have nothing left to lose but there are some things... and theres no way in hell Im losing them too.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Everyday takes figuring out how to live, sometimes it feels like a mistake,

Please heal me, I cant sleep
Thought I was unbreakable,
but this is killing me

Anyone know what song that's from... lol I thought not. Well anyway... I dont know what to say. I just figured out/remembered that the blogs name is "quitting self injury" which is making me feel worse, seeing how Im still doing it...

Now i feel like Im cheating my followers, theyre probably following under false pretenses. Thinking that Im fighting it... I have a friend that cuts and then opens it up and tries to widen it and then sticks salt into it. Ive never done it, but I feel like trying it right now. Wow that seems sick...

Can I ask you a some questions... dont worry you dont have to answer them, you dont even have to read this, you can stop anytime...

How can one decision affect the rest of your life? how is that possible? especially when at the time you thought it wasnt a big deal and it really wouldnt affect the REST of your life? How would you feel if you fucked up your life to the point where no matter what you do you cant really fix things, and you cant have the ONE thing you want the MOST, and its your own fault? Would you hate yourself for it? Would you feel sorry for yourself? Would you give up? Would you kill yourself? and then of course you made the wrong decision... to the choice you thought didnt matter but it DOES matter, more than ANYTHING. But now your life is going to be COMPLETELY different because of it. And you wish more than ANYTHING you could take it back, but you know you cant. And you HATE yourself for it. Because its all your FAULT you have no one to BLAME but YOURSELF. And you FUCKED up your life and no matter what you do you cant do anything to change it. Its too late. And I usually believe its never too late but this is one of the exceptions. It really is too late. How does it get to the point where its too late? Why wasnt I able to fix it before it got that far? Is it because i didnt try hard enough? Should I have tried harder? Would it have made any difference? any at all?

Im wondering how i was able to do this to myself. Why I wasnt able to see this coming. How I was able to be blind to this. Even with people telling me all along the way that something like this was GOING to happen. WHY didnt I LISTEN to them, why didnt I stop to think. They were trying to help, they couldve helped... WHY didnt I let them? What the hell is wrong with me?

Whats the point to anything... the one thing i was striving for is GONE. What do I have now... of course family and friends. But im greedy i want a PURPOSE in life. But that one purpose is gone. That one thing that IS your life. Thats what I wanted, and thats what I fucked up.

I feel the fear takes hold
Afraid this hell I create is my own
Come my fatigueness, I cant take it anymore
This used to be my own world,
but now I've lost control

Monday, February 9, 2009

life is a bump and it hits so hard- it wont bring out the tears from my eyes

more and more people are telling me I shouldnt be cutting. Like I dont fucking know (im sorry that was mean I havent slept and Im mad... yeah no exscuse). So now the people who are really trying to get me to stop are david and spanish dude (lol sorry i dont know his real name... he doesnt speak a lot of english, so its sorta hard talking to him and understanding him...) But spanish dude says its his job to help me... i dont get how eveyone want to help me... honestly their help is wasted on me. But whatever...

Ive cut like seven times... honestly it hurt like hell and it still does, my whole entire arm is sore. But its comforting (yeah I know that probably sounds sick). Im really going to have to hide these cuts though and I cant let any of my friends know.. Ive told them all Ive stopped and I want them to keep thinking that I have. I can still be my normal happy self around them I'll just have a few cuts hidden. Since Ive been hanging out with some people Ive been wearing long sleeves and havent let them get a good look at my arms. They know I cut but not to what extent and I want to keep it that way. And some of my cuts got infected, so thats not good. theyre really red and angry looking. Last time I cut I forgot to clean everything and to clean out the cuts... so now i feel stupid... whatever I got what I fucking desereve.

Oh yeah... my left hand is really sore. I kept punching until my knuckles bled. So its swollen and red but its starting to scab over. But I havent overdosed anymore. I really want to... but thats a different story...

ahhh im tired now and its only 11 lol

Monday, February 2, 2009

love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife

My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace
I pray, I beg for anything, to hit me in the face
and this sicknes isn't me, I pray to fall from grace
The last thing I see is feeling
And I'm telling you I'm a fake

lol how many times I had this song stuck in my head after I cut

the used Im a fake

Saturday, January 31, 2009


Ive cut again. Not pretty badly I guess. Enough for blood and for it to be a permanent scar but not enough for stitches. So yeah thats good...Ive forgotten how it feels to go out in public and have people stare at your scars. Mostly Ive been just staying home because I dont feel like doing anything when Im depressed. But getting out of the house feels good and Im going to be doing it more often. So I guess Im going to have to get used to the stares... Or I can always cover them up... But I was never really into that. Its not that i want people to see my scars, its that I dont want to hide who I am. And the cuts and scars have become apart of me whether I like it or not, theyre permanent so Im going to have to get used to them. When I cover them up I feel like Im hiding myself from everyone including myself and I never really come to terms with the fact that my arms will always look the way they do. And I dont want to go through the rest of my life hiding who I am everyday. But it really sucks when people think you dont hide them because you want attention... trust me thats the last thing I want. It bothers me so much that Im just going to go back to hiding them again... yeah... oh well...

"but how we survive is what makes us who we are" lol what does that make me?

"I excel at quitting early and fucking up my life."

rise against survive

ahhh and im listening to some older music recently

Bad Religion - It's Only Over When you give up

lol this is how ive been feeling lately

the ramones i wanna be sedated

lol and a song i always liked when i was high...

the cure high

Bad Religion - Fuck Armageddon...this is Hell

the clash i fought the law

Bad Religion - We Are Only Gonna Die

the cure the end of the world (some of their newer stuff)

ok i think i posted enough stuff... sue me im bored and cant sleep... lol its one in the morning and i still not tired

Thursday, January 29, 2009

looking at my arms...

Ive realized I have a lot more permanant scars than I thought. Some of them are raised others have chunks of skin missing. But most are discoloration of my skin. Its a weird purplish pink color. My failure scar doesnt seem to be going away at all, which is mildly depressing. I need to rememeber never to cut words into my arm. Way to noticable.

Ahh speaking of which my parents saw the new cuts on my arms. I didnt do laundry and all I had were short sleeves. And I had to promise Id never do it again. So now I could either not cut anymore, cut on my arm and cover them up, or just cut somewhere else.

ohhh anyway these are some songs that have cutting in them

papa roach last resort

ssenses fail bloody romance

aiden we sleep forever

hawthorne heights ohio is for lovers

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

random songs...

alkaline trio- trouble breathing

zebrahead the walking dead

Sunday, January 25, 2009

cutting again...

This time I cut just to convince myself I wasnt dreaming or dead or anything. I got carried away when I overdosed. And I was going in and out of reality, and I felt like everything around me wasnt real. And it was scaring me. So I just started cutting my arm and it was very reassuring to me. It reminded me and convinced me that I was really experincing these things.


I have overdosed on a lot of different things with a lot of different results. Sometimes I get a buzz, stoned, high, completely out of it, wasted. Ive been finding out different pill combinations, to get the feeling I want. Depending on if I want to be stoned, high, or have a buzz, or whatever. The combination Im using right now isnt very good lol. Well it gets me high for a little while. But it doesnt last as long as I want it to. So I just overdose again when I feel myself starting to come down. I just wish the bad side effects didnt last so long. Usually I sleep through them because the pills interact with my other medicine to make me sleepy, but i stopped taking my medicine. so yeah... Okay i dont know if Im making any sense. I overdosed and my brain's not really work. I taste blood, I feel like Im going to throw up, my heads killing me, the fucking rooms spinning... and my body isnt really doing what I tell it to do. (typing is difficult)

Friday, January 16, 2009

My self injury

Ive done a lot of different types of self injury. Ive cut, bruised, burned, head banged, scratched, dug finger nails into skin, punched walls, snapped rubber bands . Honestly I do want to stop hurting myself, even though it makes me feel better. I dont know why. Its not like I like the pain. But its better to focous on the pain than another pain. I guess its a distraction. But Im going to stop because other people I care about want me to. So quitting this stuff is going to be hard. I self injure multiple times through out the day. And Ive been trying to quit for a few weeks now, but still I havent managed to ever really stop. The only thing I dont like about self injury is the scars. I have a lot of permanent scars, but I dont regret all of them . The only ones I regret are the words Ive cut into my arm and leg. I cut failure, useless, and selfish. Theyre hard to explain away to people. Today so far Ive cut and bruised. Theres not really much to stop me from doing these things. I just feel bad about breaking the promises Ive made. It makes me feel even worse. I feel like shit right now.