Friday, October 2, 2009


Life. Random. I don't like how it feels when you know exactly what you mean to say but can't say it in a way that other people can understand you. I don't like how people can treat each other so badly. I don't like the way my brain works sometimes. Things seem to happen really fast, I don't know.

I'm so very happy. I'm happy about life, about everything, just everything seems so good. I'm glad to be alive. I want to help people, especially my friends and family. I want to do something... I'm just not sure what it is yet... and sometimes it drives me insane but I'm perfectly content with how things are. I'm going with the flow, doing what I need to do.

I'm conflicted. On the one hand I want to say "fuck you" but on the other I want to thank you for how much you've helped me, you've really helped me.

Ahhh school...

So they put me in 12th grade AP classes this year. The people are SOOO much bigger then me, and they're like adults, just a little more immature. At first it sucked because they treated me like a freak because I'm only in 10th grade and I got better grades then them without trying, but now I'm friends with a lot of them.

Lol my teacher is pissed at me. He doesn't want me to sleep in his class. But I have a 100% in his class I've litterally have gotten a 100% on everything he's given me since the beginning of the school year, so why should I stay awake?

I don't want people to think I'm smart. I always hide my grades and crumple up returned work and pretend I did badly. Being smart is not a good thing. I wish I didn't think so fast all the time, I just want things to slow down. That's one of teh reasons I did/do random drugs. Just to have things slow, to not think. I don't know...

That's not right is it? Is it bad that I don't really care? Why do I ask so many questions? Is it bad to ask questions? How should I know? What should I know? Should I know what other people know? Is ignorance bliss? What about happiness? Should you put happiness above the truth? Would you rather know the truth or be happy? Can you have both? Is it wrong to want both? What is wrong? What is right? Ethically, morally, realistically, ideally? What's the definition of right and wrong? Should I know? Does anybody else know? What is it? Is it wrong to want to know? To be consumed and burdened by these questions you can never answer, how does that feel? Tormented until you wish you were dead... I don't know. I don't want to think.

But contrary to popular belief I am doing fine. I just need to relax and not think. Nobody at school thinks about this stuff... Why the heel do I? What do they think about instead?