Thursday, April 30, 2009

Life. Wow.

So Im not going out with kenny anymore. He thought it would be a good idea to go out with his ex girlfriend while he was still dating me (and his ex has a boyfriend already). So yeah he asked me if we could all go out together. I dont know if he means I date her and him or if we both date him. Either way... FUCK THAT

Everyone thinks that Im so broken up about kenny. But Im really not, and I feel bad that I dont feel bad. It was like I didnt care, I was unaffected. It was even kind of a relief to not date anymore. Its like I can finally breathe again, and I feel horrible saying that. He was so paranoid always asking where I was who I was with what I was doing. He controlled me and told me what to do. He always wanted me to prove to him how much I loved him. And he kept pressuring me to do things I didnt want to do. I even tried explaining to him why I didnt want to do it but its like he didnt care.

So yeah...

Even though Ive been so stressed out lately I havent cut or overdosed at all. Im not saying that I havent thought about doing those things... just like I think about suicide. But not as something that Im ACTUALLY going to do. Its not that Im scared of dying. Its that I KNOW it will solve nothing. It will only hurt teh ones I love and who love me. That and I know Im only really depressed because of the school Im going to. But its ok because I get to go back to my old school next year. It just sucks that I had to waste so much of my life going to a school I "needed" but really only made things worse.

I havent gotten in any trouble at school and even made the honor roll. : ]

But now the teachers at school think Im suicidal because I was writing down song lyrics on my point sheet. (I had this one song stuck in my head and I was trying to remember the lyrics) (point sheets are a piece of paper the I5 carries around with them and the teachers give them points based on their behavior and participation.) (I5 is the program Im in, we dont have any mainstream classes and we get supervised the most)

Adam is still in basic training. Ive been writing him, and hes been writing back. Im so happy when I get a letter from him. I hope hes happy when he gets my letter. Of course I only tell him the good things going on in my life (i dont want to write anything to upset or worry him) But its nice focusing on whats going right with your life instead of whats going wrong.

Any way the song I wrote on my point sheet was silverstein- smashed into pieces. (my FAVORITE song right now)

Never Again.
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead
you'll realize what you did to me.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline!!
So Don't save me when you come into the fire.
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear
You made me swear
I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.
Smash my heart (you made me swear)
into dust (you made me swear)
Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)
Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)
Smash apart what you created.
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?
It was It was yours, yours to begin with.

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