Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Damnit Ive changed again

(simple decisions)

So I have to make some decisions... its about some things Ive been thinking of for a long time now but havent really done anything about. I just really need to buckle down and think about it. And I would but everytime I try it just makes me want to go snort something. So Im taking my uncles advice and Im trying to simplify my choices. So yeah thats what Im doing now, and im going to put it down here because I need to think it out and if I dont do it now I never will.


I could go to school or drop out. With this one Im leaning more towards dropping out.
I could kill myself or live. I thought I had this one figured out but today Im feeling suicidal, not seriously considering it though. Ive decided Im going to live.
I could do the right thing or the wrong thing. The only problem is that I want to do some things but theyre "wrong" or "bad". But I also want to be the kind of person who does the right thing.
I could confront my problems or not. Most people know I do everything except for confronting my problems. Its not even that I do nothing about it, I just do nothing productive. But I want to be the kind of person that faces a problem head on.
I could give my new school a chance or not. I really dont want to, and I hate that I even have to go there, but I have to go there. Theres nothing I can do about it so I might as well make the best out of it...
I could fail my grade or not. Im thinking about failing my grade so I can start over next year.
I could accept god, and try to be religious or not
I could give my counselor a chance and try talking things out with him. He just pisses me off, everytime I see him I punch walls afterwards. He thinks he knows me, he doesnt. He said, "Its okay to feel scared". Well guess what Im not fucking scared. Ive almost died (thats when I was scared), compared to that starting a new school is nothing. I could care less if the kids like me Ive already got friends.
I could give up or try.
I could prove them wrong or not. Every cop Ive ever met and most of my neighbors have actually told me Id end up in jail. My teachers think Im going to drop out. So I could prove them wrong and make something of my life or I could just throw it away. Thats the one thats really bothering me.

I hate making decisions, especially when theyre very important. But Im just going to have to decide what Im going to do and stick with it I guess.

Some of the best advice Ive gotten, "stop pussyfooting around and chose, then stick with it"

Now I don't see
Things The way I did before
(Can't stand to feel this way)
Things i feel yesterday
Don't matter anymore
It doesn't make any sense
to feel so different day to day
(Can't stand to feel this way)
When nothing's changed except for me

Now I don't see

1 comment:

  1. The first thing I'm surprised about is that you're thinking of your options, but giving up is simply just being a coward and not trying.
    Ought you do that then?

    At least you're thinking what's good and what's fucked up. Its just seeing if it will help you in any way is the thing you'll have to face. Sure, your counselor says you're 'scared' but Death apparently doesn't scare you. Does change scare you?

    Just do what you can.