Please heal me, I cant sleep
Thought I was unbreakable,
but this is killing me
Anyone know what song that's from... lol I thought not. Well anyway... I dont know what to say. I just figured out/remembered that the blogs name is "quitting self injury" which is making me feel worse, seeing how Im still doing it...
Now i feel like Im cheating my followers, theyre probably following under false pretenses. Thinking that Im fighting it... I have a friend that cuts and then opens it up and tries to widen it and then sticks salt into it. Ive never done it, but I feel like trying it right now. Wow that seems sick...
Can I ask you a some questions... dont worry you dont have to answer them, you dont even have to read this, you can stop anytime...
How can one decision affect the rest of your life? how is that possible? especially when at the time you thought it wasnt a big deal and it really wouldnt affect the REST of your life? How would you feel if you fucked up your life to the point where no matter what you do you cant really fix things, and you cant have the ONE thing you want the MOST, and its your own fault? Would you hate yourself for it? Would you feel sorry for yourself? Would you give up? Would you kill yourself? and then of course you made the wrong decision... to the choice you thought didnt matter but it DOES matter, more than ANYTHING. But now your life is going to be COMPLETELY different because of it. And you wish more than ANYTHING you could take it back, but you know you cant. And you HATE yourself for it. Because its all your FAULT you have no one to BLAME but YOURSELF. And you FUCKED up your life and no matter what you do you cant do anything to change it. Its too late. And I usually believe its never too late but this is one of the exceptions. It really is too late. How does it get to the point where its too late? Why wasnt I able to fix it before it got that far? Is it because i didnt try hard enough? Should I have tried harder? Would it have made any difference? any at all?
Im wondering how i was able to do this to myself. Why I wasnt able to see this coming. How I was able to be blind to this. Even with people telling me all along the way that something like this was GOING to happen. WHY didnt I LISTEN to them, why didnt I stop to think. They were trying to help, they couldve helped... WHY didnt I let them? What the hell is wrong with me?
Whats the point to anything... the one thing i was striving for is GONE. What do I have now... of course family and friends. But im greedy i want a PURPOSE in life. But that one purpose is gone. That one thing that IS your life. Thats what I wanted, and thats what I fucked up.
I feel the fear takes hold
Afraid this hell I create is my own
Come my fatigueness, I cant take it anymore
This used to be my own world,
but now I've lost control