Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Lack of restraint is a complaint of those around me

Guess where that's from. Dont worry if you dont know it.

This is basically an update post of all the things I forgot to remember.

Sean moved back in with his mom. Dont worry hes always going to be family. Adam (oldest brother) is coming back from florida in two days and then is going to basic training. Diego (twin brother) got caught ditching school and skipping classes, and he failed english. Tino is going to a chorus camp for talented singers from our county, so hes happy. Um what else...?

ahhh big news. Im starting school tomorrow. But Im going to talk about that tomorrow...

"Lack of restraint is a complaint of those around me" I need better self control and maybe I wont make so many enemies (or at least think before I do things). So theres this one old guy who walks his poodle around. I dont know his name. He doesnt like me, something about breaking a fence. Which I actually didnt do. I did not break the fence. So anyway I was trying to be nice to him and I said, "Hi poodle guy!" and he stopped and looked at me and shook his head no. Then I was like shit... did I really just say that?
So yeah I didnt manage to make him dislike me any less : /

The moral of the story: Think BEFORE you speak.

The titles from bad religion- cant stop it

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Damnit Ive changed again

(simple decisions)

So I have to make some decisions... its about some things Ive been thinking of for a long time now but havent really done anything about. I just really need to buckle down and think about it. And I would but everytime I try it just makes me want to go snort something. So Im taking my uncles advice and Im trying to simplify my choices. So yeah thats what Im doing now, and im going to put it down here because I need to think it out and if I dont do it now I never will.


I could go to school or drop out. With this one Im leaning more towards dropping out.
I could kill myself or live. I thought I had this one figured out but today Im feeling suicidal, not seriously considering it though. Ive decided Im going to live.
I could do the right thing or the wrong thing. The only problem is that I want to do some things but theyre "wrong" or "bad". But I also want to be the kind of person who does the right thing.
I could confront my problems or not. Most people know I do everything except for confronting my problems. Its not even that I do nothing about it, I just do nothing productive. But I want to be the kind of person that faces a problem head on.
I could give my new school a chance or not. I really dont want to, and I hate that I even have to go there, but I have to go there. Theres nothing I can do about it so I might as well make the best out of it...
I could fail my grade or not. Im thinking about failing my grade so I can start over next year.
I could accept god, and try to be religious or not
I could give my counselor a chance and try talking things out with him. He just pisses me off, everytime I see him I punch walls afterwards. He thinks he knows me, he doesnt. He said, "Its okay to feel scared". Well guess what Im not fucking scared. Ive almost died (thats when I was scared), compared to that starting a new school is nothing. I could care less if the kids like me Ive already got friends.
I could give up or try.
I could prove them wrong or not. Every cop Ive ever met and most of my neighbors have actually told me Id end up in jail. My teachers think Im going to drop out. So I could prove them wrong and make something of my life or I could just throw it away. Thats the one thats really bothering me.

I hate making decisions, especially when theyre very important. But Im just going to have to decide what Im going to do and stick with it I guess.

Some of the best advice Ive gotten, "stop pussyfooting around and chose, then stick with it"

Now I don't see
Things The way I did before
(Can't stand to feel this way)
Things i feel yesterday
Don't matter anymore
It doesn't make any sense
to feel so different day to day
(Can't stand to feel this way)
When nothing's changed except for me

Now I don't see

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I feel like shit but at least I feel something

haha titles from in flames- disconnected

Ive been trying something new. And no Im not talking about drugs or anything lol... Im trying to do the right thing. Im making a concious effort to do the right thing. Im actually starting to think before I do things. And I decide if what I was about to do was the right thing or not. And if its not I actually DONT do it. Like I told my mom I would be outside. She said, "stay in the area and no woods" so I say ok. Then I leave and what do I do? I go into the woods. So Im walking through the path in the woods and I start to think "wow did I do the right thing? I said I wouldnt be in here..." and then I thought about it and figured out I didnt do the right thing, so I turned around and left the woods. That is a hell of an improvement. Sometimes like the woods thing I forget about doing the right thing, but im getting better at remembering.

On saturday my mom had college classes at 9 am and then after that she had to go to work until 2:30 am the next day. So she was freaking busy. And she also had an errand to do so I said I would do it. I thought it was the right thing to do. So me and my brother run the errand which was delivering flowers to people who lived about half a mile away. So me and my brother walk there and give them the flowers, and then we walk to the park which is two miles away from there. We were at the park and met a drunk homeless person, who was very ummm obscene lol. So we left and then went to our school track which was two miles away from there. When we got there we just played with a football and ran around the track. And we got tired so we started walking home (2 miles away). So were walking down the street and a cop car goes by and he knows us (me and my brother have ran from him before) and I wave to him and he looks at me and shakes his head no. And it pissed me off i was like seriously next time im going to flip you off, thats why i run from you youre not a nice person. But I was happy soon after because I waved at some random car and the guy puts his hand like a gun and shots me. So i laughed. Anyway we ended up walking/running 8-10 miles. And I got home and took a shower and then went to the movies with my brother and some friends. I got really hyped up on sugar and we had mall security following us. Freaking stalkers lol... So saturday was amazing but I think Im sick today and physically tired.I havent done anything active like that in a long time my bodys not used to it. So my body hurts but Im not complaining because I would rather feel pain than not feel anything lol know taht reminds me of teh song pain- three days grace. I havent cut or overdosed at all this weekend so Im happy. :]

you make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Florida, Italy and im moving... wtf?

So I have no idea what the hells going on anymore. Apparently im moving, sometime in the next half year or so. Not moving out of maryland which sucks, i really hate this state, but whatever. And for spring break im going to go to florida to visit my aunt and uncle and baby cousins. And then my uncle also wants to take me to italy apparently. See and I had no idea any of this was going to happen, but i found out about them all very recently. If Im not able to get my life together Im going to see if I can go live with my family in florida, and just start all over. I dont know what Im going to do.

Yesterday I crushed up pills and snorted them. Fucking big mistake. Wow... my nose burned and I got a huge headache and I felt like I was going to pass out. Usually I would do it again but you know what... this time im not going to. Ive gotten good advice from my uncle and Im going to take it. Or at least try my fucking hardest to. Im done with this shit. And chances are youve heard me say that before... but this time things are going to be different. Yeah I know theres no reason to believe me this time. But Im going to do it. Im not going to stop cutting. Or at least not yet anyway. Just some of the choices I make are bad choices, and I KNOW they are bad choices when Im making them but I still do it anyway. But now Im just going to stop. Just STOP doing bad things. How hard can it be...?

Well Im about to find out. I thought I have nothing left to lose but there are some things... and theres no way in hell Im losing them too.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Everyday takes figuring out how to live, sometimes it feels like a mistake,

Please heal me, I cant sleep
Thought I was unbreakable,
but this is killing me

Anyone know what song that's from... lol I thought not. Well anyway... I dont know what to say. I just figured out/remembered that the blogs name is "quitting self injury" which is making me feel worse, seeing how Im still doing it...

Now i feel like Im cheating my followers, theyre probably following under false pretenses. Thinking that Im fighting it... I have a friend that cuts and then opens it up and tries to widen it and then sticks salt into it. Ive never done it, but I feel like trying it right now. Wow that seems sick...

Can I ask you a some questions... dont worry you dont have to answer them, you dont even have to read this, you can stop anytime...

How can one decision affect the rest of your life? how is that possible? especially when at the time you thought it wasnt a big deal and it really wouldnt affect the REST of your life? How would you feel if you fucked up your life to the point where no matter what you do you cant really fix things, and you cant have the ONE thing you want the MOST, and its your own fault? Would you hate yourself for it? Would you feel sorry for yourself? Would you give up? Would you kill yourself? and then of course you made the wrong decision... to the choice you thought didnt matter but it DOES matter, more than ANYTHING. But now your life is going to be COMPLETELY different because of it. And you wish more than ANYTHING you could take it back, but you know you cant. And you HATE yourself for it. Because its all your FAULT you have no one to BLAME but YOURSELF. And you FUCKED up your life and no matter what you do you cant do anything to change it. Its too late. And I usually believe its never too late but this is one of the exceptions. It really is too late. How does it get to the point where its too late? Why wasnt I able to fix it before it got that far? Is it because i didnt try hard enough? Should I have tried harder? Would it have made any difference? any at all?

Im wondering how i was able to do this to myself. Why I wasnt able to see this coming. How I was able to be blind to this. Even with people telling me all along the way that something like this was GOING to happen. WHY didnt I LISTEN to them, why didnt I stop to think. They were trying to help, they couldve helped... WHY didnt I let them? What the hell is wrong with me?

Whats the point to anything... the one thing i was striving for is GONE. What do I have now... of course family and friends. But im greedy i want a PURPOSE in life. But that one purpose is gone. That one thing that IS your life. Thats what I wanted, and thats what I fucked up.

I feel the fear takes hold
Afraid this hell I create is my own
Come my fatigueness, I cant take it anymore
This used to be my own world,
but now I've lost control

Monday, February 9, 2009

life is a bump and it hits so hard- it wont bring out the tears from my eyes

more and more people are telling me I shouldnt be cutting. Like I dont fucking know (im sorry that was mean I havent slept and Im mad... yeah no exscuse). So now the people who are really trying to get me to stop are david and spanish dude (lol sorry i dont know his real name... he doesnt speak a lot of english, so its sorta hard talking to him and understanding him...) But spanish dude says its his job to help me... i dont get how eveyone want to help me... honestly their help is wasted on me. But whatever...

Ive cut like seven times... honestly it hurt like hell and it still does, my whole entire arm is sore. But its comforting (yeah I know that probably sounds sick). Im really going to have to hide these cuts though and I cant let any of my friends know.. Ive told them all Ive stopped and I want them to keep thinking that I have. I can still be my normal happy self around them I'll just have a few cuts hidden. Since Ive been hanging out with some people Ive been wearing long sleeves and havent let them get a good look at my arms. They know I cut but not to what extent and I want to keep it that way. And some of my cuts got infected, so thats not good. theyre really red and angry looking. Last time I cut I forgot to clean everything and to clean out the cuts... so now i feel stupid... whatever I got what I fucking desereve.

Oh yeah... my left hand is really sore. I kept punching until my knuckles bled. So its swollen and red but its starting to scab over. But I havent overdosed anymore. I really want to... but thats a different story...

ahhh im tired now and its only 11 lol

Monday, February 2, 2009

love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife

My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace
I pray, I beg for anything, to hit me in the face
and this sicknes isn't me, I pray to fall from grace
The last thing I see is feeling
And I'm telling you I'm a fake

lol how many times I had this song stuck in my head after I cut

the used Im a fake