Saturday, May 9, 2009

There's so much bottled up inside,and it's been shaken up

That song rings true. I used to take pills just so my mind would slow down. I just wanted to stop thinking about everything so much. I always think too much.

So IM a genius? Yeah fucking right. Why would you say that, Im not even that smart. You think that's the reason "I'm so different from society." No Im different because Im a freak, it's as simple as that. I just think too much and analyze everything, but that doesn't mean anything. It's hard to explain the way I think, every time I do I come off as crazy. I just wish I could meet somebody who thinks like me.

Like I saw a commercial on tv that said something "quaker" which reminded me of the quakers who settled america, and than quaker oats. Which reminded me off ducks because they quack (spelled closely to quaker). Then I thought of the time I was six and called a doctor a "quack", which got me thinking about doctors and how much I hate them. Then I thought of counselers because I hate them too, then I thought of my school counseler, and it just kept going on and on like that. My brain just automatically makes connections without me trying to make connections it just happens and it all happens so fast I literally thought of all that stuff simultaniously in a matter of seconds each. But it doesnt make sense to other people, maybe Im not good at explaining it. : [

I hate talking to people for extended periods of times when Im freely speaking my mind, because EVERY TIME I do they say "you have an interesting perspectve on things" "you're a very deep kid" "youre smart" "you are smarter than everyone else in the room" Now honestly why the hell would they say that? To mess with me?

It's just because I read a lot and mostly I read about philosophy, human nature, history, or science/ physics, and shakespeare. I like reading, I dont like admitting that because then I sound like a nerd. It's "not cool to read" Every day I read different book. I start a new one in the morning and go to school and read it when Im done my work so I dont become bored and get into trouble. Then I go home and read for a little. Then I go hang with friends and stuff and when I go home I just go back to reading until I go to sleep, by the time I actually go to sleep Ive finished my book. And by the way I talk, apparently I use "big words". And I when thinking about a topic I'll "see things that other people havent considered"

I dont know. Everyone in my family is really smart/gifted in some way, and Ive always wanted to be like them.

My math teacher is all surprised because Im a 9th grader taking geometry when everyone else in the class is in 10th or 11th. and I was supposed to take geometry in 8th. I feel sorry for the kids who want to learn something but cant get it. Honestly I dont know what it feels like for that to happen, I cant relate. For me to learn things in math all I need is to have someone show me and tell me how to do it correctly, and I'll just see how they do it and Im able to figure it out and do it easily. My teacher says I should do some job involving math because "you have a strong understanding of the basics and are able to grasp the new material easily" while there are other kids who try their hardest to do it but just cant.

Okay not to sound conceded or anything because I dont think im some genius kid, or even gifted. But I also dont think Im stupid, I do think I have an advantage though because I can understand new concepts easily, without much work on my part, it just comes easily. I just dont want to be like the rest of my family when they think that theyre so much smarter than everyone else.

My brother says "stupid people need to be shot, and that's why I'm not allowed to own a gun"

I wish I was more normal, I want to be able to function in society.

silverstein- my disaster

You medicate
So you can fall asleep
Your mind just won't shut down

I wonder where you are
I wonder if you found your other self
Or are you still somebody else
There's so much bottled up inside
And if it's shaken up it's going to explode
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it

You say you're done
You swear you've gave it up
Running in circles, you don't even care that you're going nowhere
You hate yourself

I still wonder where you are
I wonder if the thorn still in your side
Or did you pull it out in time
And now it starts to overflow
And spill its guts and ruin someones soul
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it


  1. The connective thinking, I do that too. Not all the time, but often enough. And, yeah, it never really makes sense to anyone else. They can't see into your head, so the connection doesn't make any sense to them.
    I've found another Maths person =D I'm a maths "nerd". But I want to be a doctor (don't hate me, lol). You're an interesting kid, in my opinion, but that's because I'm interested by people.

    Good luck. Chin up.

    - Jacynta

  2. Jacynta, hi, you know what, I've read your last post on your blog and was kinda worried!

    Andrea, great you like reading! Myself, I could actually put everything else aside and spend days just reading... sometimes I panic when I realize there's still so much I haven't read! I've always been a bit of a megalomaniac, I must admit.
    But, hey, philosophy and Shakespeare...good choice.

  3. And about the fact that you think by associating one idea/subject to the other: it's what I do as well, and I personally think it's the best way of thinking.
    It just allows your mind to expand and consider one subject from different points of view.
    Not say that I'm particularly smart, Im sure there are people who are a lot smarter than I am, but I'm glad I my brain works like it does, even though sometimes it can be a pain in the neck because, well, it just works too much?

  4. I am a yr ahead of everyone except 5 pple in math. Well, algebra. It is boring, I never have anything to do in class, so I just draw, read, or just sit there and be "awake".