Friday, January 16, 2009

My self injury

Ive done a lot of different types of self injury. Ive cut, bruised, burned, head banged, scratched, dug finger nails into skin, punched walls, snapped rubber bands . Honestly I do want to stop hurting myself, even though it makes me feel better. I dont know why. Its not like I like the pain. But its better to focous on the pain than another pain. I guess its a distraction. But Im going to stop because other people I care about want me to. So quitting this stuff is going to be hard. I self injure multiple times through out the day. And Ive been trying to quit for a few weeks now, but still I havent managed to ever really stop. The only thing I dont like about self injury is the scars. I have a lot of permanent scars, but I dont regret all of them . The only ones I regret are the words Ive cut into my arm and leg. I cut failure, useless, and selfish. Theyre hard to explain away to people. Today so far Ive cut and bruised. Theres not really much to stop me from doing these things. I just feel bad about breaking the promises Ive made. It makes me feel even worse. I feel like shit right now.


  1. I'm a random from a different country, yes.

    Would you like my personal opinion on this?
    I'm not going to say that I've had a hard life because I haven't. I haven't gone near the experiences you have been forced to endure. I'm pretty much just another teenager.
    Another teenager who has self harmed.
    By self harm stereotypes, my attempts haven't been much. But it was enough to catch me and pull me into the addiction. More than a year has passed for me now. More than a year of cutting. Even longer when it comes to hitting solid (and hard) surfaces.
    My life hasn't been as hard as yours, but I was one of the unfortunate people who fell into a pattern of self harm.

    The most important thing that I learnt was necessary before I could stop: I had to want to stop for myself, not for others.
    Forcing myself to stop for another worked for a while, and it can be helpful to the process, provided that I already wished to stop for myself.
    But I needed that first. I needed to wish to stop my self harm because it wasn't what I wanted for myself anymore.

    I'm not sure if you're the same in that respect to me or not. Actually, I don't know anything about you.
    And I have no idea how you are going to react to my comment.
    I subscribe to follow-up comments, so if you wish to say something in response then you can comment here and be sure that I will read it.

  2. andea-above is a sincere person. i can tell by the way they speak that a know a thing or two. whatever your name is, the fact that you cut and are addicted to a substance is a bad life in itself. but i hope that doesnt dissuade you from trying to make it better.

    andrea, as i've known you for about a month now, i can honestly say you've made progress. now, you're down to the last little bit of problems; self injury. i will work with you to help you in this process,and then, together we'll find something for you that supplies a natural high in itself. and i know that's going to feel really good when you figure it out. but, for right now, keep up the good work. and you WILL get there, to the place that i know you want to be so badly. one day, your memory of your awful childhood will fade, and you're gonna be a whole new person, and make every one of your brothers and your mother proud. then, you won't be a "problem and a burden" to her anymore, but a motivation for her to keep your house together and a reason to live and be happy.

  3. yeah ive actually came to the same realization. Ive tried stopping for my family before but it doesnt last. I know I need to end up wanting to stop. Otherwise I wont ever really quit. Im just not sure if Im at the point where I want to stop yet. I dont see cutting as a bad thing that I want to stop, I see it as a good thing that helps, so why would i ever want to stop...
    I owe my life to cutting (i know that might sound sick) but it has saved my life. Instead of killing myself i cut. It keeps me alive. It used to be the only thing that got me through my day alive.well that and getting high...
    I quit cutting for a long time, and instead I just overdosed on some pills. But now I stopped doing that, and ending up cutting again. I dont know what it will take to make me actually want to stop cutting...
    but thanks for caring anyway people :]
    i guess this is just something i will have to sort out, and maybe time will help.

  4. I totally agree with you and I know what you're going through. I'm a cutter, and I call it suicide by proxy. I don't think it's some great big disgusting thing; sometimes, when I just feel like ending it all, I'll do that and I won't feel so shitty and fucked up anymore, and it'll let me carry on with my life. And I don't regret anything... except maybe having "worthless" carved on my hip, 'cause I get some strange looks when dressing out for gym.
    Good luck and a big hug! *hug*

  5. I know that i'm too young to understand, and i have never expiramented with drugs, gotten drunk, or cut myself. I have met people who did, but they didn't even try to fight it. It's good that you are.

  6. thanks emoerin *hug* its nice to know someone else understands. Im sorry to disappoint you naomi but Ive given up. Ive fallen way too many times. Im just so tired... Im too tired to get up this time.