Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


wow... long time no blog...
I forgot i had a blog but I randomly thought about it today. Until now things have been pretty good. But now it just seems like there's so much pressure on me and im going to suffocate.
My family, I love them I really do. But I dont like them, and that makes me feel horrible because I should because theyre my family but it just seems like we're custom made to push each others buttons.
First off I love my uncle. He's like my dad. He hasnt been in my life because he has a military job over seas. But when I do see him I just feel loved and understood and cared for and I honestly want to live with him we get along A LOT better than me and my mom because were very much alike. He doesn't judge me and Ive told him so many things, things I haven't told anyone. I told him I was raped, I was abused, I was almost kidnapped etc etc I dont feel like talking about it. Point is Ive told him things I dont trust my own family to know. He comes to visit me once every one to three years and he usually only stays for 3 days. I email him while hes away. But this time he stayed longer. It felt like he wasn't going back this time because he stayed for 2 weeks. But then he left. I cried :/ Well now hes back in my life. He got married. I found out on facebook... he never even told me he was dating someone and defiantly didnt mention marriage. I know he doesn't have to tell me everything about his life but it still hurts that he didn't. He now has 2 step daughters and Im jealous. I admit it and i feel guilty because I know its wrong to but I cant help how it makes me feel. He hasnt been responding to my emails or calls. I feel like he doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore and its killing me. He randomly visits and brings his wife and step daughter. He only says one sentence to me and goes back talking to them. He stays for a few hours not talking to me and then leaves without saying goodbye to me. It hurts sooooo much :/ I understand he has his own life and own family but i feel like theres no place in his new life for me and its making me so much.
Iv'e stopped cutting myself. Ive been doing it ever since my moms boyfriend who abused me when I was 12, and im 17 now. Ive tried stopping and the longest ive stopped is 4 months and other times i do it every day. I haven't done it in two months but all this stress is making me want to do it some more. When I think about it and it makes me angry and cry I just really need to let it all out. I keep trying to talk to him about it but hes too busy with his training to go back over seas.

I would love things to go back to how they used to be, but Im not naive and know they probably wont. I just want have some small part in his life.

What makes it worse was that the same thing happened with my other uncle. He helped me through my depression that happened after I was abused. He comforted me and said hed ALWAYS be there for me. Well he hates maryland and got a job off in Colorado which he completely loves. He took it and Im honestly happy for him. He's sooo much happier doing what he wants and he's even has a wife now. It makes me happy but Im also sad. We fell out of contact and he isnt there for me anymore. Now I have no place in his life either :/

I don't know how things have gotten this way but I just want them to change. I dont know what to do :/