Friday, May 15, 2009

FIX ME!?!?!

Something Ive figured out.

Something that is considered culturally unacceptable is considered abnormal. What's considered abnormal is considered wrong and needs to be corrected and fixed.

I hate it when people force their beliefs down my throat, and they can get away with it because they are in a position of power over me. I dont think thats right. Thats mostly why I hate authority figures.


But Im glad ya people commented on my other post! Finally some other people who think like me. Its sorta a relief to realize Im not a complete freak. But the pessimist in my says "well maybe youre all just freaks" I dont know. It's just nice to know theres someone else out there whos kind like you and understands the way you think. : ]


Ive had two good days in a row. :]

Why do people like me, arent they sick of me yet. Well I thought they were but I guess not. Since Im single now a lot of guys have been trying to get to know me, it's weird. Three asked for my phone number. Theres like 2 I really like as friends, and I have so much fun hanging out with at school.

Do I see things in a weird way? I have NEVER met someone else who "sees things" like me. Not like hullicinations. It's like seeing without seeing. You see through your eyes and you see whats in front of you and in your periphrial vision. But I see myself, I do see with my eyes like other people but I also see things without my eyes. And I know I sound crazy, no one gets what Im trying to say. Its like Im watching a movie of my life. I see whats in a room from a point in the room and it would be like looking through another pair of eyes seeing at that point of the room, so I see myself and I also see things from different angles.

So I see the normal way and that way at the same time, but I see the other way in the back of my mind, its really hard to explain

it would be like me looking at a room from a "point" and seeing the normal way through my eyes, so I would see whats in the room including myself. While I see the room (and myself) that way I also see whats directly in front of me and to the sides just by looking through my eyes.

I see two different versions of the same thing at the same time, but I "see" them in my brain.

Wow. Like I said its hard to explain.. :/

I finally getting used to pretending I dont exist and it's making school SO MUCH more bearable. I spend most of the time thinking about how to not draw any attention to myself. I think I finally know how to get the kids to leave me alone for the most part.

-dont look at them, unless theyre talking to me. (otherwise they say "what the hell are you looking at?")
-pretend to be asleep on the bus so they dont talk to me
-dont make eye contact. So I always find a reason to keep my head down, even when Im walking
- dont talk, talking draws attention to myself
- I read and they usually leave me alone, but it doesnt always work
- Even though it doesn't take a long time to finish my work I intentionally take a long time so I dont draw attention to myself.
- Sit quietly at my seat, dont get up
- When I do talk I try not to use the words I usually do because they don't understand me because I use words they dont know and it just is too much attention
- always be polite and nice to everyone, even if I dont like them
- go out of my way to help people
- try not to do ANYTHING that might upset someone, I think about everything I do and what could potentionally happen

There's a lot more but I cant think of them : /

Oh guess what? Im going to write a book. Yep I have a lot of ideas for different books. I'm just not very good when it comes to writing down what Im thinking, it just sounds so much better in my head i guess?

some ideas:

-girl desperately crying out for help, she wants to kill herself. NO one believes her, and she does kill herself, and its about how her friend deals with everything.

- A girl who is considered a genius by some and crazy by others, mostly about different perspectives. Shows how ignorant people can be.

- kid with a bad home life and how they deal with it (bad parents, abuse, trauma)

- about a kid who feels their whole life is being controlled and its driving them crazy so they go to extremes just to feel like they have some control over their life

- shows how messed up society can be and how people can force their beliefs on other people. People controlling other people/abusing power.

yeah I dont know I felt liek blogging so much more, but now my head hurts and its one in teh morning. Im going to sleep. : ]

Saturday, May 9, 2009

There's so much bottled up inside,and it's been shaken up

That song rings true. I used to take pills just so my mind would slow down. I just wanted to stop thinking about everything so much. I always think too much.

So IM a genius? Yeah fucking right. Why would you say that, Im not even that smart. You think that's the reason "I'm so different from society." No Im different because Im a freak, it's as simple as that. I just think too much and analyze everything, but that doesn't mean anything. It's hard to explain the way I think, every time I do I come off as crazy. I just wish I could meet somebody who thinks like me.

Like I saw a commercial on tv that said something "quaker" which reminded me of the quakers who settled america, and than quaker oats. Which reminded me off ducks because they quack (spelled closely to quaker). Then I thought of the time I was six and called a doctor a "quack", which got me thinking about doctors and how much I hate them. Then I thought of counselers because I hate them too, then I thought of my school counseler, and it just kept going on and on like that. My brain just automatically makes connections without me trying to make connections it just happens and it all happens so fast I literally thought of all that stuff simultaniously in a matter of seconds each. But it doesnt make sense to other people, maybe Im not good at explaining it. : [

I hate talking to people for extended periods of times when Im freely speaking my mind, because EVERY TIME I do they say "you have an interesting perspectve on things" "you're a very deep kid" "youre smart" "you are smarter than everyone else in the room" Now honestly why the hell would they say that? To mess with me?

It's just because I read a lot and mostly I read about philosophy, human nature, history, or science/ physics, and shakespeare. I like reading, I dont like admitting that because then I sound like a nerd. It's "not cool to read" Every day I read different book. I start a new one in the morning and go to school and read it when Im done my work so I dont become bored and get into trouble. Then I go home and read for a little. Then I go hang with friends and stuff and when I go home I just go back to reading until I go to sleep, by the time I actually go to sleep Ive finished my book. And by the way I talk, apparently I use "big words". And I when thinking about a topic I'll "see things that other people havent considered"

I dont know. Everyone in my family is really smart/gifted in some way, and Ive always wanted to be like them.

My math teacher is all surprised because Im a 9th grader taking geometry when everyone else in the class is in 10th or 11th. and I was supposed to take geometry in 8th. I feel sorry for the kids who want to learn something but cant get it. Honestly I dont know what it feels like for that to happen, I cant relate. For me to learn things in math all I need is to have someone show me and tell me how to do it correctly, and I'll just see how they do it and Im able to figure it out and do it easily. My teacher says I should do some job involving math because "you have a strong understanding of the basics and are able to grasp the new material easily" while there are other kids who try their hardest to do it but just cant.

Okay not to sound conceded or anything because I dont think im some genius kid, or even gifted. But I also dont think Im stupid, I do think I have an advantage though because I can understand new concepts easily, without much work on my part, it just comes easily. I just dont want to be like the rest of my family when they think that theyre so much smarter than everyone else.

My brother says "stupid people need to be shot, and that's why I'm not allowed to own a gun"

I wish I was more normal, I want to be able to function in society.

silverstein- my disaster

You medicate
So you can fall asleep
Your mind just won't shut down

I wonder where you are
I wonder if you found your other self
Or are you still somebody else
There's so much bottled up inside
And if it's shaken up it's going to explode
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it

You say you're done
You swear you've gave it up
Running in circles, you don't even care that you're going nowhere
You hate yourself

I still wonder where you are
I wonder if the thorn still in your side
Or did you pull it out in time
And now it starts to overflow
And spill its guts and ruin someones soul
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it