Friday, May 15, 2009

FIX ME!?!?!

Something Ive figured out.

Something that is considered culturally unacceptable is considered abnormal. What's considered abnormal is considered wrong and needs to be corrected and fixed.

I hate it when people force their beliefs down my throat, and they can get away with it because they are in a position of power over me. I dont think thats right. Thats mostly why I hate authority figures.


But Im glad ya people commented on my other post! Finally some other people who think like me. Its sorta a relief to realize Im not a complete freak. But the pessimist in my says "well maybe youre all just freaks" I dont know. It's just nice to know theres someone else out there whos kind like you and understands the way you think. : ]


Ive had two good days in a row. :]

Why do people like me, arent they sick of me yet. Well I thought they were but I guess not. Since Im single now a lot of guys have been trying to get to know me, it's weird. Three asked for my phone number. Theres like 2 I really like as friends, and I have so much fun hanging out with at school.

Do I see things in a weird way? I have NEVER met someone else who "sees things" like me. Not like hullicinations. It's like seeing without seeing. You see through your eyes and you see whats in front of you and in your periphrial vision. But I see myself, I do see with my eyes like other people but I also see things without my eyes. And I know I sound crazy, no one gets what Im trying to say. Its like Im watching a movie of my life. I see whats in a room from a point in the room and it would be like looking through another pair of eyes seeing at that point of the room, so I see myself and I also see things from different angles.

So I see the normal way and that way at the same time, but I see the other way in the back of my mind, its really hard to explain

it would be like me looking at a room from a "point" and seeing the normal way through my eyes, so I would see whats in the room including myself. While I see the room (and myself) that way I also see whats directly in front of me and to the sides just by looking through my eyes.

I see two different versions of the same thing at the same time, but I "see" them in my brain.

Wow. Like I said its hard to explain.. :/

I finally getting used to pretending I dont exist and it's making school SO MUCH more bearable. I spend most of the time thinking about how to not draw any attention to myself. I think I finally know how to get the kids to leave me alone for the most part.

-dont look at them, unless theyre talking to me. (otherwise they say "what the hell are you looking at?")
-pretend to be asleep on the bus so they dont talk to me
-dont make eye contact. So I always find a reason to keep my head down, even when Im walking
- dont talk, talking draws attention to myself
- I read and they usually leave me alone, but it doesnt always work
- Even though it doesn't take a long time to finish my work I intentionally take a long time so I dont draw attention to myself.
- Sit quietly at my seat, dont get up
- When I do talk I try not to use the words I usually do because they don't understand me because I use words they dont know and it just is too much attention
- always be polite and nice to everyone, even if I dont like them
- go out of my way to help people
- try not to do ANYTHING that might upset someone, I think about everything I do and what could potentionally happen

There's a lot more but I cant think of them : /

Oh guess what? Im going to write a book. Yep I have a lot of ideas for different books. I'm just not very good when it comes to writing down what Im thinking, it just sounds so much better in my head i guess?

some ideas:

-girl desperately crying out for help, she wants to kill herself. NO one believes her, and she does kill herself, and its about how her friend deals with everything.

- A girl who is considered a genius by some and crazy by others, mostly about different perspectives. Shows how ignorant people can be.

- kid with a bad home life and how they deal with it (bad parents, abuse, trauma)

- about a kid who feels their whole life is being controlled and its driving them crazy so they go to extremes just to feel like they have some control over their life

- shows how messed up society can be and how people can force their beliefs on other people. People controlling other people/abusing power.

yeah I dont know I felt liek blogging so much more, but now my head hurts and its one in teh morning. Im going to sleep. : ]


  1. Hey , it's allright to be a freak : )

    I was wondering, have you ever read Sarah Kane? especially, 4: 48 Psychosis. I strongly recommend it!

  2. I haven't been bloggin for a while, but Im glad ur having a good week. I am just kinda sleepy. I have like, practice and games every night this week. I also have at least one test per day, finals, and other stuff. its crazy @ skool

    ps: most ppl @ my skool are considered freaks. I have gotten 2 kno a lot of ppl, they r all weird somehow(me 2 lol), but in a good way.

  3. Hey Andrea-I recently discovered something that I really like and that helps me a little bit. CRUNK music. sorta like heavy metal for black people. I'd give it a try haha, I really like it.