Thursday, April 30, 2009

Life. Wow.

So Im not going out with kenny anymore. He thought it would be a good idea to go out with his ex girlfriend while he was still dating me (and his ex has a boyfriend already). So yeah he asked me if we could all go out together. I dont know if he means I date her and him or if we both date him. Either way... FUCK THAT

Everyone thinks that Im so broken up about kenny. But Im really not, and I feel bad that I dont feel bad. It was like I didnt care, I was unaffected. It was even kind of a relief to not date anymore. Its like I can finally breathe again, and I feel horrible saying that. He was so paranoid always asking where I was who I was with what I was doing. He controlled me and told me what to do. He always wanted me to prove to him how much I loved him. And he kept pressuring me to do things I didnt want to do. I even tried explaining to him why I didnt want to do it but its like he didnt care.

So yeah...

Even though Ive been so stressed out lately I havent cut or overdosed at all. Im not saying that I havent thought about doing those things... just like I think about suicide. But not as something that Im ACTUALLY going to do. Its not that Im scared of dying. Its that I KNOW it will solve nothing. It will only hurt teh ones I love and who love me. That and I know Im only really depressed because of the school Im going to. But its ok because I get to go back to my old school next year. It just sucks that I had to waste so much of my life going to a school I "needed" but really only made things worse.

I havent gotten in any trouble at school and even made the honor roll. : ]

But now the teachers at school think Im suicidal because I was writing down song lyrics on my point sheet. (I had this one song stuck in my head and I was trying to remember the lyrics) (point sheets are a piece of paper the I5 carries around with them and the teachers give them points based on their behavior and participation.) (I5 is the program Im in, we dont have any mainstream classes and we get supervised the most)

Adam is still in basic training. Ive been writing him, and hes been writing back. Im so happy when I get a letter from him. I hope hes happy when he gets my letter. Of course I only tell him the good things going on in my life (i dont want to write anything to upset or worry him) But its nice focusing on whats going right with your life instead of whats going wrong.

Any way the song I wrote on my point sheet was silverstein- smashed into pieces. (my FAVORITE song right now)

Never Again.
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead
you'll realize what you did to me.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline!!
So Don't save me when you come into the fire.
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear
You made me swear
I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.
Smash my heart (you made me swear)
into dust (you made me swear)
Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)
Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)
Smash apart what you created.
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?
It was It was yours, yours to begin with.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

dont waste youre whole life trying to get back what was taken away

The offspring- Kristy are you doing okay

Its happened again. And I cant help but think, why me? But I know thats a useless thought. Well I know Im going to have to tell somebody eventually what happened this weekend. Basically this one boy (who I dont know) was following me in the woods. And he wouldnt leave me a alone. It was starting to scare me. He came up from behind me and grabbed me while he was rubbing up against me. He kept telling me that I was sexy and that he wanted to hug me and kiss me. Im so embarrassed and I feel stupid to admit that when he asked to kiss me I said okay (just so he could go away) he said all the wanted was a kiss then he would leave. But he wanted more than a kiss, and I know that now. When he kissed his tongue came into my mouth and I freaked out. I started walking away really fast but he stopped me and showed me his dick...

And now thats its over I cant help but cry and think about what happened last time. When I was walking home, I thought about jumping in front of a speeding car on the highway by my house. I just dont need this shit right now. How much can I take before I break?

There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did

Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
But for you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
Cause we were so young

Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ima blog more : ]

yeah I know right?

anyway school has been... interesting. I havent been getting into anymore trouble lately. Ive finally simplified things. Instead of thinking about whats "right" culturally, ethically, personally, and what not, Im just going to do what I think is right. I had a problem with doing that before because i always thought "who am I to decide whats right?" I know some people dont know whats right (or dont care?) like psycopaths, and I was always afraid I would be one of those kind of people...

Most of the kids in the program at my school dont have good home lives, and its one of the reasons they are the way they are. Like this one kid, his parents both got fired from their jobs and theyre getting kicked out of their house, and hes not going to be able to go to school anymore. Hes also the kid who punched a hole in one of the walls at school and almost hit somebody in the head with a chair at school. I hope everything turns out okay with him. Other kids get abused by their parents... its just messed up. I wish I could do something, I should be able to do something. Its not right.

Well things are also going to be bad around here for a few days. Well Im going to be in a bad situation, but Im going to try and make the best of it. Things are what you make them, it doesnt have to be bad, right? Anyway so my moms going to be working for the next week, double shifts. So Im literally not going to see her for the next week. And shes freaking out because she didnt make a lot of money and her next paycheck wont be a lot. So we dont have a lot of money. Bills are going unpaid, and turn off notices have been sent. We're running out of food, but we'll make do, we always do, we've been through worse.

Sometimes i get really depressed. I go to school and get made fun of and whatever, dont learn anything, and come home to my mom and step dad arguing about money and talking about "what are we going to do?"

Ohh and the next time you think about being mean to somebody, please dont. First off its wrong, but you also dont know what theyre going through... Everybody has their own problems, and their own battles that they are fighting. Some people, its obvious that they are struggling with it, other people are better with hiding it. I happen to be one of the latter, turned into one of the former, all you have to do is check my wrists.

Well yeah i forgot where i was going with this, but I hope you have a good day anyway.

"So I guess that I will get another head and then get on with my life...You want to know who I really am? Yeah so do I, yeah so do I." xD

I'll think of a good song and post it later, Im so tired lol