survive

Ive cut again. Not pretty badly I guess. Enough for blood and for it to be a permanent scar but not enough for stitches. So yeah thats good...Ive forgotten how it feels to go out in public and have people stare at your scars. Mostly Ive been just staying home because I dont feel like doing anything when Im depressed. But getting out of the house feels good and Im going to be doing it more often. So I guess Im going to have to get used to the stares... Or I can always cover them up... But I was never really into that. Its not that i want people to see my scars, its that I dont want to hide who I am. And the cuts and scars have become apart of me whether I like it or not, theyre permanent so Im going to have to get used to them. When I cover them up I feel like Im hiding myself from everyone including myself and I never really come to terms with the fact that my arms will always look the way they do. And I dont want to go through the rest of my life hiding who I am everyday. But it really sucks when people think you dont hide them because you want attention... trust me thats the last thing I want. It bothers me so much that Im just going to go back to hiding them again... yeah... oh well...


"but how we survive is what makes us who we are" lol what does that make me?

"I excel at quitting early and fucking up my life."

rise against survive



ahhh and im listening to some older music recently

Bad Religion - It's Only Over When you give up





lol this is how ive been feeling lately


the ramones i wanna be sedated




lol and a song i always liked when i was high...

the cure high



Bad Religion - Fuck Armageddon...this is Hell




the clash i fought the law



Bad Religion - We Are Only Gonna Die




the cure the end of the world (some of their newer stuff)




ok i think i posted enough stuff... sue me im bored and cant sleep... lol its one in the morning and i still not tired

looking at my arms...

Ive realized I have a lot more permanant scars than I thought. Some of them are raised others have chunks of skin missing. But most are discoloration of my skin. Its a weird purplish pink color. My failure scar doesnt seem to be going away at all, which is mildly depressing. I need to rememeber never to cut words into my arm. Way to noticable.

Ahh speaking of which my parents saw the new cuts on my arms. I didnt do laundry and all I had were short sleeves. And I had to promise Id never do it again. So now I could either not cut anymore, cut on my arm and cover them up, or just cut somewhere else.

ohhh anyway these are some songs that have cutting in them

papa roach last resort



ssenses fail bloody romance



aiden we sleep forever




hawthorne heights ohio is for lovers

random songs...

alkaline trio- trouble breathing



zebrahead the walking dead

cutting again...

This time I cut just to convince myself I wasnt dreaming or dead or anything. I got carried away when I overdosed. And I was going in and out of reality, and I felt like everything around me wasnt real. And it was scaring me. So I just started cutting my arm and it was very reassuring to me. It reminded me and convinced me that I was really experincing these things.

overdosing

I have overdosed on a lot of different things with a lot of different results. Sometimes I get a buzz, stoned, high, completely out of it, wasted. Ive been finding out different pill combinations, to get the feeling I want. Depending on if I want to be stoned, high, or have a buzz, or whatever. The combination Im using right now isnt very good lol. Well it gets me high for a little while. But it doesnt last as long as I want it to. So I just overdose again when I feel myself starting to come down. I just wish the bad side effects didnt last so long. Usually I sleep through them because the pills interact with my other medicine to make me sleepy, but i stopped taking my medicine. so yeah... Okay i dont know if Im making any sense. I overdosed and my brain's not really work. I taste blood, I feel like Im going to throw up, my heads killing me, the fucking rooms spinning... and my body isnt really doing what I tell it to do. (typing is difficult)

My self injury

Ive done a lot of different types of self injury. Ive cut, bruised, burned, head banged, scratched, dug finger nails into skin, punched walls, snapped rubber bands . Honestly I do want to stop hurting myself, even though it makes me feel better. I dont know why. Its not like I like the pain. But its better to focous on the pain than another pain. I guess its a distraction. But Im going to stop because other people I care about want me to. So quitting this stuff is going to be hard. I self injure multiple times through out the day. And Ive been trying to quit for a few weeks now, but still I havent managed to ever really stop. The only thing I dont like about self injury is the scars. I have a lot of permanent scars, but I dont regret all of them . The only ones I regret are the words Ive cut into my arm and leg. I cut failure, useless, and selfish. Theyre hard to explain away to people. Today so far Ive cut and bruised. Theres not really much to stop me from doing these things. I just feel bad about breaking the promises Ive made. It makes me feel even worse. I feel like shit right now.