Im alive

lol yeah awesome way to start a post right?

I know I havent posted for a long time now... there's a reason, Im just not ready to tell anybody what it is yet, so sorry about that :[

Let's see so much has happened, good and bad.

I started my new school. I met a few people that I like hanging around with. Ive also met a lot of people that are just jerks. I hate school because of the kids that go there. Its like if you dont like me, fine I dont care, but then leave me alone. You dont have to tell me everyday how much you dont like me.

Everyday for the past two weeks Ive gotten phone calls home from school about something or another.

Ive gotten searched three times now, and the first time they found, "a lighter, matches, snorting straw, and a white powder". The other times I had nothing. Wow I got in a lot of trouble for that.

I also got suspended last week. It was for something stupid, nothing too bad. I was "out of area wondering"- bullshit. I admit I was not where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be in some advisory /study hall class thing but I had a passing grade so I didnt really have to be there. So instead I was allowed to go to the auditorium, cafeteria, or hang out in a teachers classroom. But Instead I walked off with a friend and went to the second floor. (The second floor is where the "stash" is. Its where the druggies/ drug dealers hide their stuff in school. I wasnt up there for that, really) So i argued that I wasnt wandering because wandering is walking around aimlessly with no predetermined destination. I knew where I was going. They kept saying I was in trouble for wandering. So I just kept pointing out that I was in trouble for not being where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there. But whatever.

The people at my school know I cut. Ive got tons of scars and cuts running up and down my arms. And they make fun of me for it. Which I just dont get. Like if I saw a person who had as many cuts as I do I wouldnt make fun of them for it. What would that do? It couldnt make things any better. Basically they say "go cut yourself". Thats like telling a suicidal person to "go kill yourself". Speaking of which I actually havent been suicidal in forever, but this school is killing me. The kids call me names (which I can take), but now theyve started throwing stuff at me, taking my stuff, destroying my stuff, and tell me they are going to beat me up and take my stuff. And today when they were throwing stuff at me and messing with me they said Im going to just go home and cry and kill myself. And when they said that it made me smile. I had been thinking about killing myself all day and for somebody to say that I just made me make up my mind and decide to do it. And I thought about killing myself sunday night and asking my parents to explain to the school that the kids pushed me over the edge. I hoped that it would make them realize that they shouldnt have done that stuff. But I know I cant kill myself. I have to keep on living. This fucking sucks but I cant do that to my family. I dont know how Im going to survive this one.

But there is good news. I have a boyfriend. His name is Kenny. He's really nice, he's different from most of the guys Im into. But maybe that's a good thing.

The people that keep me going to school:

Kenny
Ed
Larry
Mr. Collins
Mrs. Taylor
My mom
Adam

Otherwise I wouldnt be going.

Oh yeah Adam's off at basic training for the army. I miss him. But its what he wants :]

All in all life is... its... I dont know life... I guess. Its just me surviving, and living.

every day I wander in negative disposition,
as I'm bombarded by superlatives,
realizing very well that I am not alone,
introverted i look to tomorrow for salvation,
but I'm thinking altruistically,
and a wave of overwhelming doubt
turns me to stone

Bad religion- struck a nerve :]