Life. Wow.

So Im not going out with kenny anymore. He thought it would be a good idea to go out with his ex girlfriend while he was still dating me (and his ex has a boyfriend already). So yeah he asked me if we could all go out together. I dont know if he means I date her and him or if we both date him. Either way... FUCK THAT

Everyone thinks that Im so broken up about kenny. But Im really not, and I feel bad that I dont feel bad. It was like I didnt care, I was unaffected. It was even kind of a relief to not date anymore. Its like I can finally breathe again, and I feel horrible saying that. He was so paranoid always asking where I was who I was with what I was doing. He controlled me and told me what to do. He always wanted me to prove to him how much I loved him. And he kept pressuring me to do things I didnt want to do. I even tried explaining to him why I didnt want to do it but its like he didnt care.

So yeah...

Even though Ive been so stressed out lately I havent cut or overdosed at all. Im not saying that I havent thought about doing those things... just like I think about suicide. But not as something that Im ACTUALLY going to do. Its not that Im scared of dying. Its that I KNOW it will solve nothing. It will only hurt teh ones I love and who love me. That and I know Im only really depressed because of the school Im going to. But its ok because I get to go back to my old school next year. It just sucks that I had to waste so much of my life going to a school I "needed" but really only made things worse.

I havent gotten in any trouble at school and even made the honor roll. : ]



But now the teachers at school think Im suicidal because I was writing down song lyrics on my point sheet. (I had this one song stuck in my head and I was trying to remember the lyrics) (point sheets are a piece of paper the I5 carries around with them and the teachers give them points based on their behavior and participation.) (I5 is the program Im in, we dont have any mainstream classes and we get supervised the most)


Adam is still in basic training. Ive been writing him, and hes been writing back. Im so happy when I get a letter from him. I hope hes happy when he gets my letter. Of course I only tell him the good things going on in my life (i dont want to write anything to upset or worry him) But its nice focusing on whats going right with your life instead of whats going wrong.


Any way the song I wrote on my point sheet was silverstein- smashed into pieces. (my FAVORITE song right now)





Never Again.
I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.
Maybe when you find out that I'm dead
you'll realize what you did to me.

[Chorus]
And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.
Douse myself in gasoline!!
So Don't save me when you come into the fire.
I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,
Would you be there for me?
If I can make myself believe,
I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear
You made me swear
I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.
Smash my heart (you made me swear)
into dust (you made me swear)
Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)
Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)
Smash apart what you created.
How can i ever stop you from crushing my soul?
It was It was yours, yours to begin with.

dont waste youre whole life trying to get back what was taken away

The offspring- Kristy are you doing okay

Its happened again. And I cant help but think, why me? But I know thats a useless thought. Well I know Im going to have to tell somebody eventually what happened this weekend. Basically this one boy (who I dont know) was following me in the woods. And he wouldnt leave me a alone. It was starting to scare me. He came up from behind me and grabbed me while he was rubbing up against me. He kept telling me that I was sexy and that he wanted to hug me and kiss me. Im so embarrassed and I feel stupid to admit that when he asked to kiss me I said okay (just so he could go away) he said all the wanted was a kiss then he would leave. But he wanted more than a kiss, and I know that now. When he kissed his tongue came into my mouth and I freaked out. I started walking away really fast but he stopped me and showed me his dick...

And now thats its over I cant help but cry and think about what happened last time. When I was walking home, I thought about jumping in front of a speeding car on the highway by my house. I just dont need this shit right now. How much can I take before I break?

There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did

Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
But for you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
Cause we were so young

Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Ima blog more : ]

yeah I know right?

anyway school has been... interesting. I havent been getting into anymore trouble lately. Ive finally simplified things. Instead of thinking about whats "right" culturally, ethically, personally, and what not, Im just going to do what I think is right. I had a problem with doing that before because i always thought "who am I to decide whats right?" I know some people dont know whats right (or dont care?) like psycopaths, and I was always afraid I would be one of those kind of people...

Most of the kids in the program at my school dont have good home lives, and its one of the reasons they are the way they are. Like this one kid, his parents both got fired from their jobs and theyre getting kicked out of their house, and hes not going to be able to go to school anymore. Hes also the kid who punched a hole in one of the walls at school and almost hit somebody in the head with a chair at school. I hope everything turns out okay with him. Other kids get abused by their parents... its just messed up. I wish I could do something, I should be able to do something. Its not right.

Well things are also going to be bad around here for a few days. Well Im going to be in a bad situation, but Im going to try and make the best of it. Things are what you make them, it doesnt have to be bad, right? Anyway so my moms going to be working for the next week, double shifts. So Im literally not going to see her for the next week. And shes freaking out because she didnt make a lot of money and her next paycheck wont be a lot. So we dont have a lot of money. Bills are going unpaid, and turn off notices have been sent. We're running out of food, but we'll make do, we always do, we've been through worse.

Sometimes i get really depressed. I go to school and get made fun of and whatever, dont learn anything, and come home to my mom and step dad arguing about money and talking about "what are we going to do?"

Ohh and the next time you think about being mean to somebody, please dont. First off its wrong, but you also dont know what theyre going through... Everybody has their own problems, and their own battles that they are fighting. Some people, its obvious that they are struggling with it, other people are better with hiding it. I happen to be one of the latter, turned into one of the former, all you have to do is check my wrists.

Well yeah i forgot where i was going with this, but I hope you have a good day anyway.

"So I guess that I will get another head and then get on with my life...You want to know who I really am? Yeah so do I, yeah so do I." xD

I'll think of a good song and post it later, Im so tired lol

Im alive

lol yeah awesome way to start a post right?

I know I havent posted for a long time now... there's a reason, Im just not ready to tell anybody what it is yet, so sorry about that :[

Let's see so much has happened, good and bad.

I started my new school. I met a few people that I like hanging around with. Ive also met a lot of people that are just jerks. I hate school because of the kids that go there. Its like if you dont like me, fine I dont care, but then leave me alone. You dont have to tell me everyday how much you dont like me.

Everyday for the past two weeks Ive gotten phone calls home from school about something or another.

Ive gotten searched three times now, and the first time they found, "a lighter, matches, snorting straw, and a white powder". The other times I had nothing. Wow I got in a lot of trouble for that.

I also got suspended last week. It was for something stupid, nothing too bad. I was "out of area wondering"- bullshit. I admit I was not where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be in some advisory /study hall class thing but I had a passing grade so I didnt really have to be there. So instead I was allowed to go to the auditorium, cafeteria, or hang out in a teachers classroom. But Instead I walked off with a friend and went to the second floor. (The second floor is where the "stash" is. Its where the druggies/ drug dealers hide their stuff in school. I wasnt up there for that, really) So i argued that I wasnt wandering because wandering is walking around aimlessly with no predetermined destination. I knew where I was going. They kept saying I was in trouble for wandering. So I just kept pointing out that I was in trouble for not being where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there. But whatever.

The people at my school know I cut. Ive got tons of scars and cuts running up and down my arms. And they make fun of me for it. Which I just dont get. Like if I saw a person who had as many cuts as I do I wouldnt make fun of them for it. What would that do? It couldnt make things any better. Basically they say "go cut yourself". Thats like telling a suicidal person to "go kill yourself". Speaking of which I actually havent been suicidal in forever, but this school is killing me. The kids call me names (which I can take), but now theyve started throwing stuff at me, taking my stuff, destroying my stuff, and tell me they are going to beat me up and take my stuff. And today when they were throwing stuff at me and messing with me they said Im going to just go home and cry and kill myself. And when they said that it made me smile. I had been thinking about killing myself all day and for somebody to say that I just made me make up my mind and decide to do it. And I thought about killing myself sunday night and asking my parents to explain to the school that the kids pushed me over the edge. I hoped that it would make them realize that they shouldnt have done that stuff. But I know I cant kill myself. I have to keep on living. This fucking sucks but I cant do that to my family. I dont know how Im going to survive this one.

But there is good news. I have a boyfriend. His name is Kenny. He's really nice, he's different from most of the guys Im into. But maybe that's a good thing.

The people that keep me going to school:

Kenny
Ed
Larry
Mr. Collins
Mrs. Taylor
My mom
Adam

Otherwise I wouldnt be going.

Oh yeah Adam's off at basic training for the army. I miss him. But its what he wants :]

All in all life is... its... I dont know life... I guess. Its just me surviving, and living.

every day I wander in negative disposition,
as I'm bombarded by superlatives,
realizing very well that I am not alone,
introverted i look to tomorrow for salvation,
but I'm thinking altruistically,
and a wave of overwhelming doubt
turns me to stone

Bad religion- struck a nerve :]

Save your sympathy, who do you think you're fooling?

Everything is dead.

Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
We are giving up
We are moving on

So yeah that's the song stuck in my head right now : ]



Ohhh yeah I got in trouble at school today and they called my parents : /

Something about not showing up to any of my classes. Which is a LIE. I did show up. Just not on time, but I did eventually show up. And for walking out of the class when my teacher said not to. And walking away when administrators are talking to me. They basically said, "stay here and wait for me" and I said, "okay" and then I walked away.



lostprophets- a town called hypocrisy

Lack of restraint is a complaint of those around me

Guess where that's from. Dont worry if you dont know it.

This is basically an update post of all the things I forgot to remember.

Sean moved back in with his mom. Dont worry hes always going to be family. Adam (oldest brother) is coming back from florida in two days and then is going to basic training. Diego (twin brother) got caught ditching school and skipping classes, and he failed english. Tino is going to a chorus camp for talented singers from our county, so hes happy. Um what else...?

ahhh big news. Im starting school tomorrow. But Im going to talk about that tomorrow...

"Lack of restraint is a complaint of those around me" I need better self control and maybe I wont make so many enemies (or at least think before I do things). So theres this one old guy who walks his poodle around. I dont know his name. He doesnt like me, something about breaking a fence. Which I actually didnt do. I did not break the fence. So anyway I was trying to be nice to him and I said, "Hi poodle guy!" and he stopped and looked at me and shook his head no. Then I was like shit... did I really just say that?
So yeah I didnt manage to make him dislike me any less : /

The moral of the story: Think BEFORE you speak.

The titles from bad religion- cant stop it

Damnit Ive changed again

(simple decisions)

So I have to make some decisions... its about some things Ive been thinking of for a long time now but havent really done anything about. I just really need to buckle down and think about it. And I would but everytime I try it just makes me want to go snort something. So Im taking my uncles advice and Im trying to simplify my choices. So yeah thats what Im doing now, and im going to put it down here because I need to think it out and if I dont do it now I never will.

Basically:

I could go to school or drop out. With this one Im leaning more towards dropping out.
I could kill myself or live. I thought I had this one figured out but today Im feeling suicidal, not seriously considering it though. Ive decided Im going to live.
I could do the right thing or the wrong thing. The only problem is that I want to do some things but theyre "wrong" or "bad". But I also want to be the kind of person who does the right thing.
I could confront my problems or not. Most people know I do everything except for confronting my problems. Its not even that I do nothing about it, I just do nothing productive. But I want to be the kind of person that faces a problem head on.
I could give my new school a chance or not. I really dont want to, and I hate that I even have to go there, but I have to go there. Theres nothing I can do about it so I might as well make the best out of it...
I could fail my grade or not. Im thinking about failing my grade so I can start over next year.
I could accept god, and try to be religious or not
I could give my counselor a chance and try talking things out with him. He just pisses me off, everytime I see him I punch walls afterwards. He thinks he knows me, he doesnt. He said, "Its okay to feel scared". Well guess what Im not fucking scared. Ive almost died (thats when I was scared), compared to that starting a new school is nothing. I could care less if the kids like me Ive already got friends.
I could give up or try.
I could prove them wrong or not. Every cop Ive ever met and most of my neighbors have actually told me Id end up in jail. My teachers think Im going to drop out. So I could prove them wrong and make something of my life or I could just throw it away. Thats the one thats really bothering me.

I hate making decisions, especially when theyre very important. But Im just going to have to decide what Im going to do and stick with it I guess.

Some of the best advice Ive gotten, "stop pussyfooting around and chose, then stick with it"

Now I don't see
Things The way I did before
(Can't stand to feel this way)
Things i feel yesterday
Don't matter anymore
It doesn't make any sense
to feel so different day to day
(Can't stand to feel this way)
When nothing's changed except for me


Now I don't see