LONGGGG TIIMMMEEE

wow... long time no blog...
I forgot i had a blog but I randomly thought about it today. Until now things have been pretty good. But now it just seems like there's so much pressure on me and im going to suffocate.
My family, I love them I really do. But I dont like them, and that makes me feel horrible because I should because theyre my family but it just seems like we're custom made to push each others buttons.
First off I love my uncle. He's like my dad. He hasnt been in my life because he has a military job over seas. But when I do see him I just feel loved and understood and cared for and I honestly want to live with him we get along A LOT better than me and my mom because were very much alike. He doesn't judge me and Ive told him so many things, things I haven't told anyone. I told him I was raped, I was abused, I was almost kidnapped etc etc I dont feel like talking about it. Point is Ive told him things I dont trust my own family to know. He comes to visit me once every one to three years and he usually only stays for 3 days. I email him while hes away. But this time he stayed longer. It felt like he wasn't going back this time because he stayed for 2 weeks. But then he left. I cried :/ Well now hes back in my life. He got married. I found out on facebook... he never even told me he was dating someone and defiantly didnt mention marriage. I know he doesn't have to tell me everything about his life but it still hurts that he didn't. He now has 2 step daughters and Im jealous. I admit it and i feel guilty because I know its wrong to but I cant help how it makes me feel. He hasnt been responding to my emails or calls. I feel like he doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore and its killing me. He randomly visits and brings his wife and step daughter. He only says one sentence to me and goes back talking to them. He stays for a few hours not talking to me and then leaves without saying goodbye to me. It hurts sooooo much :/ I understand he has his own life and own family but i feel like theres no place in his new life for me and its making me so much.
Iv'e stopped cutting myself. Ive been doing it ever since my moms boyfriend who abused me when I was 12, and im 17 now. Ive tried stopping and the longest ive stopped is 4 months and other times i do it every day. I haven't done it in two months but all this stress is making me want to do it some more. When I think about it and it makes me angry and cry I just really need to let it all out. I keep trying to talk to him about it but hes too busy with his training to go back over seas.

I would love things to go back to how they used to be, but Im not naive and know they probably wont. I just want have some small part in his life.

What makes it worse was that the same thing happened with my other uncle. He helped me through my depression that happened after I was abused. He comforted me and said hed ALWAYS be there for me. Well he hates maryland and got a job off in Colorado which he completely loves. He took it and Im honestly happy for him. He's sooo much happier doing what he wants and he's even has a wife now. It makes me happy but Im also sad. We fell out of contact and he isnt there for me anymore. Now I have no place in his life either :/

I don't know how things have gotten this way but I just want them to change. I dont know what to do :/

Stickers!

Life. Random. I don't like how it feels when you know exactly what you mean to say but can't say it in a way that other people can understand you. I don't like how people can treat each other so badly. I don't like the way my brain works sometimes. Things seem to happen really fast, I don't know.

I'm so very happy. I'm happy about life, about everything, just everything seems so good. I'm glad to be alive. I want to help people, especially my friends and family. I want to do something... I'm just not sure what it is yet... and sometimes it drives me insane but I'm perfectly content with how things are. I'm going with the flow, doing what I need to do.

I'm conflicted. On the one hand I want to say "fuck you" but on the other I want to thank you for how much you've helped me, you've really helped me.

Ahhh school...

So they put me in 12th grade AP classes this year. The people are SOOO much bigger then me, and they're like adults, just a little more immature. At first it sucked because they treated me like a freak because I'm only in 10th grade and I got better grades then them without trying, but now I'm friends with a lot of them.

Lol my teacher is pissed at me. He doesn't want me to sleep in his class. But I have a 100% in his class I've litterally have gotten a 100% on everything he's given me since the beginning of the school year, so why should I stay awake?

I don't want people to think I'm smart. I always hide my grades and crumple up returned work and pretend I did badly. Being smart is not a good thing. I wish I didn't think so fast all the time, I just want things to slow down. That's one of teh reasons I did/do random drugs. Just to have things slow, to not think. I don't know...

That's not right is it? Is it bad that I don't really care? Why do I ask so many questions? Is it bad to ask questions? How should I know? What should I know? Should I know what other people know? Is ignorance bliss? What about happiness? Should you put happiness above the truth? Would you rather know the truth or be happy? Can you have both? Is it wrong to want both? What is wrong? What is right? Ethically, morally, realistically, ideally? What's the definition of right and wrong? Should I know? Does anybody else know? What is it? Is it wrong to want to know? To be consumed and burdened by these questions you can never answer, how does that feel? Tormented until you wish you were dead... I don't know. I don't want to think.

But contrary to popular belief I am doing fine. I just need to relax and not think. Nobody at school thinks about this stuff... Why the heel do I? What do they think about instead?

ZOMG

wow... lol

Yeah... Idk...

Okay so it's been 3 weeks and I have to go back to the doctors and probably go to a specialist. :[

but whatever things have been cool. I have a job and I actually have money to spend now. I don't know what I'm going to do with my money. I might save it up of spend it on my family and friends. I don't like spending momey on myself.


Ahhh i have to go... late fo rmy job

Ahhh Im sickk!?!?!

This is why I don't like going to doctors, they tell you somethings wrong.

Ignorance is bliss I guess...

Well I knew SOMETHING was wrong I just didn't know what, so now I do... kinda.

Apparently I have Costochondritis.

So yeah the cartilage in my rib cage is inflamed :/ it's been like this for about three weeks.

And the doctor says I have something else too, he thinks it's rheumatoid arthritis. Ahh...

Isn't arthritis for old people? Come on when I think of arthritis I think of crippled old people not some 15 year old kid.

But it would make sense, and it does run in my family. lol we call it "Jarhling joints"

haha... it's weird because it's been bothering for like three years but I just got used to it. Until the pain became worse. I remember always telling my mom I feel old and in pain after playing with other kids...

I was wondering why I'm the only one in pain after I play games... nobody else is hurt and I just did what other kids do.

Ha I'm not crazy, yay!

The doctor took 5 vials of blood and is running different tests. The results should be done by monday. He wants to rule out some other diseases.

I'm supposed to go back to the doctors in 3 weeks if the pain still persists. And he's telling me to take so much medicine.

FIX ME!?!?!

Something Ive figured out.

Something that is considered culturally unacceptable is considered abnormal. What's considered abnormal is considered wrong and needs to be corrected and fixed.

I hate it when people force their beliefs down my throat, and they can get away with it because they are in a position of power over me. I dont think thats right. Thats mostly why I hate authority figures.

ugh....

But Im glad ya people commented on my other post! Finally some other people who think like me. Its sorta a relief to realize Im not a complete freak. But the pessimist in my says "well maybe youre all just freaks" I dont know. It's just nice to know theres someone else out there whos kind like you and understands the way you think. : ]

YAY!

Ive had two good days in a row. :]

Why do people like me, arent they sick of me yet. Well I thought they were but I guess not. Since Im single now a lot of guys have been trying to get to know me, it's weird. Three asked for my phone number. Theres like 2 I really like as friends, and I have so much fun hanging out with at school.

Do I see things in a weird way? I have NEVER met someone else who "sees things" like me. Not like hullicinations. It's like seeing without seeing. You see through your eyes and you see whats in front of you and in your periphrial vision. But I see myself, I do see with my eyes like other people but I also see things without my eyes. And I know I sound crazy, no one gets what Im trying to say. Its like Im watching a movie of my life. I see whats in a room from a point in the room and it would be like looking through another pair of eyes seeing at that point of the room, so I see myself and I also see things from different angles.

So I see the normal way and that way at the same time, but I see the other way in the back of my mind, its really hard to explain


it would be like me looking at a room from a "point" and seeing the normal way through my eyes, so I would see whats in the room including myself. While I see the room (and myself) that way I also see whats directly in front of me and to the sides just by looking through my eyes.

I see two different versions of the same thing at the same time, but I "see" them in my brain.

Wow. Like I said its hard to explain.. :/

I finally getting used to pretending I dont exist and it's making school SO MUCH more bearable. I spend most of the time thinking about how to not draw any attention to myself. I think I finally know how to get the kids to leave me alone for the most part.

-dont look at them, unless theyre talking to me. (otherwise they say "what the hell are you looking at?")
-pretend to be asleep on the bus so they dont talk to me
-dont make eye contact. So I always find a reason to keep my head down, even when Im walking
- dont talk, talking draws attention to myself
- I read and they usually leave me alone, but it doesnt always work
- Even though it doesn't take a long time to finish my work I intentionally take a long time so I dont draw attention to myself.
- Sit quietly at my seat, dont get up
- When I do talk I try not to use the words I usually do because they don't understand me because I use words they dont know and it just is too much attention
- always be polite and nice to everyone, even if I dont like them
- go out of my way to help people
- try not to do ANYTHING that might upset someone, I think about everything I do and what could potentionally happen

There's a lot more but I cant think of them : /

Oh guess what? Im going to write a book. Yep I have a lot of ideas for different books. I'm just not very good when it comes to writing down what Im thinking, it just sounds so much better in my head i guess?

some ideas:

-girl desperately crying out for help, she wants to kill herself. NO one believes her, and she does kill herself, and its about how her friend deals with everything.

- A girl who is considered a genius by some and crazy by others, mostly about different perspectives. Shows how ignorant people can be.

- kid with a bad home life and how they deal with it (bad parents, abuse, trauma)

- about a kid who feels their whole life is being controlled and its driving them crazy so they go to extremes just to feel like they have some control over their life

- shows how messed up society can be and how people can force their beliefs on other people. People controlling other people/abusing power.

yeah I dont know I felt liek blogging so much more, but now my head hurts and its one in teh morning. Im going to sleep. : ]

There's so much bottled up inside,and it's been shaken up

That song rings true. I used to take pills just so my mind would slow down. I just wanted to stop thinking about everything so much. I always think too much.

So IM a genius? Yeah fucking right. Why would you say that, Im not even that smart. You think that's the reason "I'm so different from society." No Im different because Im a freak, it's as simple as that. I just think too much and analyze everything, but that doesn't mean anything. It's hard to explain the way I think, every time I do I come off as crazy. I just wish I could meet somebody who thinks like me.

Like I saw a commercial on tv that said something "quaker" which reminded me of the quakers who settled america, and than quaker oats. Which reminded me off ducks because they quack (spelled closely to quaker). Then I thought of the time I was six and called a doctor a "quack", which got me thinking about doctors and how much I hate them. Then I thought of counselers because I hate them too, then I thought of my school counseler, and it just kept going on and on like that. My brain just automatically makes connections without me trying to make connections it just happens and it all happens so fast I literally thought of all that stuff simultaniously in a matter of seconds each. But it doesnt make sense to other people, maybe Im not good at explaining it. : [

I hate talking to people for extended periods of times when Im freely speaking my mind, because EVERY TIME I do they say "you have an interesting perspectve on things" "you're a very deep kid" "youre smart" "you are smarter than everyone else in the room" Now honestly why the hell would they say that? To mess with me?

It's just because I read a lot and mostly I read about philosophy, human nature, history, or science/ physics, and shakespeare. I like reading, I dont like admitting that because then I sound like a nerd. It's "not cool to read" Every day I read different book. I start a new one in the morning and go to school and read it when Im done my work so I dont become bored and get into trouble. Then I go home and read for a little. Then I go hang with friends and stuff and when I go home I just go back to reading until I go to sleep, by the time I actually go to sleep Ive finished my book. And by the way I talk, apparently I use "big words". And I when thinking about a topic I'll "see things that other people havent considered"

I dont know. Everyone in my family is really smart/gifted in some way, and Ive always wanted to be like them.

My math teacher is all surprised because Im a 9th grader taking geometry when everyone else in the class is in 10th or 11th. and I was supposed to take geometry in 8th. I feel sorry for the kids who want to learn something but cant get it. Honestly I dont know what it feels like for that to happen, I cant relate. For me to learn things in math all I need is to have someone show me and tell me how to do it correctly, and I'll just see how they do it and Im able to figure it out and do it easily. My teacher says I should do some job involving math because "you have a strong understanding of the basics and are able to grasp the new material easily" while there are other kids who try their hardest to do it but just cant.

Okay not to sound conceded or anything because I dont think im some genius kid, or even gifted. But I also dont think Im stupid, I do think I have an advantage though because I can understand new concepts easily, without much work on my part, it just comes easily. I just dont want to be like the rest of my family when they think that theyre so much smarter than everyone else.

My brother says "stupid people need to be shot, and that's why I'm not allowed to own a gun"

I wish I was more normal, I want to be able to function in society.

silverstein- my disaster

You medicate
So you can fall asleep
Your mind just won't shut down

I wonder where you are
I wonder if you found your other self
Or are you still somebody else
There's so much bottled up inside
And if it's shaken up it's going to explode
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it

You say you're done
You swear you've gave it up
Running in circles, you don't even care that you're going nowhere
You hate yourself

I still wonder where you are
I wonder if the thorn still in your side
Or did you pull it out in time
And now it starts to overflow
And spill its guts and ruin someones soul
You can't stop it, you just can't stop it